Worst week ever

Unable to sleep, I'm going to write a rambling post about nothing in particular to anyone else. But then again this blog was originally intended for that and I could honestly care less what anyone thinks. 

First off my heart is breaking after finding out that in fact I did know one of the victims of the events that took place in Isla Vista this past Friday. What hurts the most is that I cannot be there to support my friends as they try to go back to normalcy. It's been almost a year since I left Isla Vista, but it will always be a part of me and the stories I share. I am so sick of going on Facebook and seeing senseless comments and rude remarks and the Elliot Rodgers fan page. But this is beyond my control and I must do what I can from home. 

The worst part of growing up isn't paying bills or taxes, it's realizing what a terrifying place the world is. 

If any UCSB/SBCC friends are reading this, please know I am thinking about you all and wishing I could be there to rebuild the community that has been so amazing to us. I love you all and I know Peaches will be remembered in us all. 

I wrote a blog about dating last week. And I have found a new source of happiness in a new friend. Until I received this message this morning. 

Oh how I would of loved to not crop her name out, but as an aspiring professional something someday, I decided to protect some identities. I have never met this girl in my life. She is *presumably* the ex girlfriend of the guy I've hung out with 3 TIMES! And I get a message like this? Normally I would blow it off but after this past week I am on an emotional roller coaster. 

This girl knows absolutely nothing about me. Yet she would go out of her way to say something so hurtful? She has no idea what I've been through or what kind of person I am. Why are girls so vicious? I'm not out to hurt anyone or be mean! And I'm truly sorry she's so upset with me but c'mon is that the way to handle it? 

Girls are psychotic at times. But boys aren't so innocent either. Like my clingy ex who doesn't seem to understand that "STOP MESSAGING ME IM NOT YOUR FRIEND" truly means to stop talking to me. How many times will I have to go without responding to him before he understands? Oh and when will he stop asking my friends questions about me trying to get more information about what I'm up to? Frankly it's pathetic and annoying. You had your chance buddy. Let it go. 

Only 2 more weeks of school and 3 more weeks until I am finally free from this stupid town and I'll be eating $1 pizza in Central Park. Can't wait to see my kids from last summer, those crazy ones who make me pull my hair out and cry with laughter in a matter of 30 seconds. 

I just have to stay strong. 

Much love,

Jen

We need gun control, and we need it now

Last night I was scrolling through Instagram. A friend had posted a transcript from police, talking about a shooting in Isla Vista. A student from my former college had killed 6 people at one of the most popular spots in IV.

I don't want to talk about it. I feel like every time someone shares a story about it on Facebook, this monster who did this is just being glorified and spreading his evil deed that much farther.

I miss Isla Vista with everything inside of me. I miss the beach. I miss constantly being surrounded by friends. I miss dancing until my feet hurt and laughing until I cried. Walking to Starbucks and studying for finals with a view of the ocean.

It could of easily been one of my friends.

It could of been me.

Not like this is the first mass shooting in American history. Not even the first school shooting. Yet nobody does a fucking thing to stop it.

What if it was your best friend? What if it was your brother or sister? Or your child? Are you still going to tell me you don't believe we need gun control reform?

I don't understand it. How people can look at me and say "the founding fathers of this country wrote the constitution and declared it my right to bare arms!!"

When they wrote the constitution, mentally ill people were not taking guns and killing masses of innocent people! A parent didn't have to worry about sending their child to school. A psychotic man didn't go into a movie theater and start murdering people. But now? You never know when or how it'll happen.

I'm not trying to take your gun from you, I'm trying to get it out of the wrong hands.

You have to take a test to drive a car, why can't we have evaluations to own a gun? Why can't we do SOMETHING to protect innocent lives?

I love being American. But today I am sad to associate myself with such a scary place.

Much love,
And many thoughts to the victims and families of the shooting in Isla Vista,
Jen

Dating is the worst

I am the queen of bad dates. As I have wrote in previous blogs, I haven't been surrounded by the nicest guys. I always blamed it on the types of guys in my home town, immaturity, or my bad taste. For the first time ever, I've had a really great date. Where I didn't feel uncomfortable or insecure. I smiled until my face hurt and I genuinely felt like he who shall remain nameless really enjoyed being around me. So since my blog is just full of embarrassing stories, here's another cringeworthy walk down the memory lane of terrible dates.

My first boyfriend wasn't a very nice guy. But being 15 I couldn't really make logical decisions when it came to boys. It was my 16th birthday and he said he would take me out to dinner. A few days earlier I had gotten $100 from my dad as a birthday present which was a huge deal for me at 16.  Boyfriend #1 knew I had gotten the money as a gift. We went to dinner and as soon as he ordered everything on the menu, he decided to tell me he left his wallet at home. Now I don't believe in the idea that the guy has to pay for everything. But it was my birthday dinner. If he was just honest with me and told me when he picked me up it wouldn't of been that big of a deal. I had to spend almost all my birthday money on that meal.

A few months later with Boyfriend #1, he attempted to redeem himself. My mom who obviously knew more than me at the time, didn't really trust this guy. She was always really strict with me but she was getting a bit ridiculous. She wanted to know where we were going, what Boyfriend #1's truck looked like, what time we would be there etc. Flash forward to us sitting in a booth by a window. I look up and I see my mom driving by really slowly and waving at us. She drove to the restaurant to make sure we were actually where we said we would be. Talk about an embarrassing date.

My senior year was spent talking to an old friend who was in the marines so we will call him Marine Man. He was deployed to Afghanistan and I really enjoyed sending him letters and care packages and when I finally got a phone call after weeks without hearing from him it seriously felt like Christmas. Marine Man had a lot of issues though. And he drank a lot once he got back to America. He was supposed to come home after his deployment and we had all these plans that seemed to be falling a part. I finally just stood up for myself and he "agreed" to take me to my favorite sushi place. I was so unbelievably nervous. My anxiety was through the roof and Marine Man could probably tell. About 10 minutes after sitting down I really didn't feel good and I must have looked it too. I ran off to the bathroom and tried to calm down and not puke. I felt better and came back to Marine Man asking me if I was pregnant. I definitely wasn't since I just spent 9 months talking to a guy on the other side of the world. He payed for dinner, dropped me off, never spoke to me again, and married my best friend from kindergarten. Good riddance!

One weekend I came home from college and decided to hangout with a guy I became friends with at a bar before I moved to Santa Barbara. This guy was already kind of a jerk and we will refer to him as Air Force Guy (don't judge this pattern, this is what happens when you live near a military base). He would call me when I was at school and ask when I'd be home so I finally gave him a chance when I was on break. Air Force Guy brought his Air Force friend who brought this slutty looking girl to dinner. And by dinner I mean Buffalo Wild Wings while the guys drank and screamed at whatever game was on. I'm about 4 years younger than everyone and it was just so uncomfortable. I then had to follow Air Force Guy to the movies where I paid for my ticket to see some GI Joe movie I really didn't want to see. I kept my mouth shut even though the guys didn't while rating every girl who showed up on the screen. Longest night of my life.

Dating in college is really weird. Especially if the guy lives right down the hall from you and sees you in the dinning hall, hung over with last nights make up still on, struggling to order an omelet. This guy was really nice. Like bring me frozen yogurt on a bad day kind of nice. And since girls always get crap for putting guys in the friend zone, I really wanted to give him a chance. He drove us to this really nice Mexican place in town and kept talking about how dinner was going to be on him. I appreciated it! But I really wanted to talk about other things. Dinner was just thoroughly awkward and in his car on the way back to the dorms he asked me to be his girlfriend. In fear that he might crash the car if I said no, I told him yes. It obviously didn't last long but the situation was a nightmare.

This isn't technically a first date, but a horror story in avoiding a first date. We'll call him DJ because I met him when he was a DJ at a party my roommate and I were at. He was pretty nice and invited me back to his place where there was a lot more free alcohol for this crazy party girl. I gave him my number and went home alone. We texted a bit and DJ asked me to go out with him for Valentines day. I said sure but as the day got closer I realized I really wasn't comfortable with it. DJ did not take it very well. The next weekend he saw me at a party and followed me out with a group of his friends. Begged me to go back to his place to talk to him. He locked his door, keeping my friends out and offering them money to leave us alone. He had a vase of dead flowers he had saved that were apparently supposed to be mine. And he went on and on about how he rented out an entire restaurant on State St for us and I bailed. What a psycho. I got out of there and never saw the guy again.



To say I've been on some rough dates is obviously a joke. Even though I'm only twenty, there have been plenty of times where I felt like the only girl who goes through this crap and I'm going to have to settle for some loser who saves dead flowers. But the truth of the matter is that you never know when somebody who is genuinely nice will walk into your life. I guess through all of this I've realized that when it comes to dating, it's important to give people a chance but to always trust your gut. You may be surprised in who can restore your faith in humanity.

Much love,
Jen

Why is someone being gay "breaking news"

If you own a computer, phone, internet connection, or a television in America, I'm sure you've heard of Michael Sam. Voted SEC co-defensive player of the year, Michael is making headlines by being the first openly gay male to be drafted into the NFL. The Saint Louis Rams have shook up American football in a big way.

As a traveler and reader, I find it interesting to hear the perception of America from others. Even as an American and former cheerleader who had plenty of time under the Friday night lights, there is always a stereotype with sports. Big huge burly men screaming at the television for a fumble or something. Lots of beer, lots of yelling, lots of being an American. Nothing wrong with that, and this does not apply to everyone.

Being gay is such a huge issue in America. These big huge American guys who clutch their guns under their pillow at night, in fear that Obama will take it away from them, generally seem to have an issue with the same gender being in a relationship. They believe gay marriage should not be legalized and there is no place for it in their favorite sport.

Yes, this is America. There are many people here who still fly their confederate flag high in the air and believe the Holocaust never even happened. When a celebrity comes out, it is a giant commotion. My god, when Ellen Page came out it was all I saw for a solid week. There is a new show on Mtv called "Faking It" and the entire story line is based around pretending to be a lesbian. Why does our society believe being gay is that interesting?

You like girls with blue eyes? Awesome! You like guys with southern accents? Fantastic! You like someone of the same gender? Congrats! Why is it such a big deal?

I don't spend hours discussing how I like European guys. Why should we spend hours discussing someone else's relationship in any way shape or form? It doesn't matter if you agree with that persons views or not. Unless what you're doing is going to hurt me or affect me in some way, it doesn't matter.

I hope if I have kids someday, being gay won't be such a big deal. Where it's just part of somebody's life. Not breaking news. Michael Sam should be making headlines for being the amazing athlete he is, not because he is in a relationship with another man. Ellen Page should be holding press conferences for the amazing work she does, not to announce she is gay. Because it doesn't matter. The sun will still rise tomorrow. I'll get in my car and drive to Starbucks. Study for a test and check the stats on my blog. All while having an openly gay player in the NFL.

Life will still go on.

Much love,
Jen

Putting the broken pieces together, but it's okay.

Today I had a moment of clarity. I looked in the mirror as I was trying on my outfit for the 4th of July at camp this year (any counselor knows how vital this is) and I knew I was going to be okay.

I'll be okay when my birthday comes next week and I'm sad because it'll be spent at home all by myself.

I'll be okay being away from home again for 2 months this summer.

I'll be okay when people talk about me.

I'll be okay when I have to say goodbye to my new friends, when it will be the last time I ever see most of them.

I'll be okay when I'm stuck living at home for another semester with barely any friends.

I'm going to be okay.

I have been through some serious bullshit since last August. A car accident, a kidney stone, having my self esteem ripped to absolute pieces, working a job I hated, watching my dreams go down the drain. This has been the hardest year of my life. But here I am.

It took a long time for me to realize that I didn't do anything to deserve the cards I've been handed. I still wonder where my camera crew is sometimes because there's no way this hasn't been manipulated by some producers from Mtv. But oh no, this is real life.

There was one person who used to do nothing but point out my flaws. I've mentioned some things that have been said before, like telling me my shorts are too short and laughing at me and wishing me luck when I was going to Europe. I spent quite a bit of time wishing that this person would come back when it was all just poisonous for me.

Like I wasn't aware of my flaws? Not like every morning my mirror reminds me I have the proportions of a middle schooler and short stumpy legs. I know I'm sensitive and cry easily. This is something I deal with on a daily basis. Don't remind me that I'm spoiled, because you don't know what I've gone through to get the things I have. I'm loud, and I'm obnoxious. But who would notice this midget if I was just another wall flower? I'm indecisive and I may not figure out what to do with my life until I'm 45. But that is just who I am.

Maybe this person couldn't realize that I'm smart. I could get an A in any class if I really tried. I love to read and I love to write and maybe that's what I'll do when I'm a grown up. I may be sensitive, but just about anything can make me smile. You can call me spoiled, but I will never say no when someone needs anything from me. My loud mouth makes me who I am. I'm friendly and I have no problem speaking my mind in front of a crowd of people.

I'm awkward and I make mistakes. I am not perfect by any means and I will never pretend that I am. But shouldn't I have people in my life who like me despite my flaws? Who don't mind that I'm still working on putting the broken pieces together?

If anyone is reading this that knows what it's like to care about someone who does nothing but rip you apart, I hope you find that you aren't alone. There will be people out there who roll their eyes at you as you try to find a way to cope. Your mind and heart stay conflicted for a while. Some days are great, others you have a hard time getting out of bed. You aren't alone in the struggle.

One day you'll wake up and the light bulb will go off in your head and you'll realize that you deserve way more than whatever your person is giving to you. You will become stronger and they won't like it. But they didn't like anything about you in the first place right? I can't tell you when this day will come. Maybe you'll be like me and be dancing around in your room, planning outfits for summer camp, you'll see yourself in the mirror and remember that you'll be okay.

I'm going to be okay.

Much love,
Jen

How not to Tinder

Tinder. The "cool" way to online date. I decided to get one purely for blogging purposes. For those of you who don't know what the app is, it's pretty simple. You link your Facebook account, choose a few pictures for your profile, write something witty about yourself, and start swiping. "Matches" are shown for you to swipe left for nope and right for yes. You can set an age range and distance range for your matches. Their profile also shows if you have any mutual friends or similar likes on Facebook. 

I will never meet someone from this site. And after you see what some of these guys say, you'll understand why. If you're a guy who uses tinder, please please please listen to what I have to say to avoid being shamed on the internet. 

1. The drunk guy

Yeah. What am I supposed to say to that? I don't care that you drink but what else am I supposed to talk to you about knowing that you're under the influence of alcohol? No. Don't do this. 

2. Stupid pick up lines

Not only did this guy use an idiotic line, but then he tried to insult me because I didn't like it. I start to wonder how many girls he has used this line on. Sorry Josh, I'm not damaged because you're not good at talking to girls. 

3. Ew

Okay so not only are you asking me something irrelevant to getting to know me, you then admit that you use it multiple times. Yeah I'm definetly not a bot! And I'm not going to respond to you either. I start to wonder what kind of girls say naughty and then I start to throw up so let's not think too much about that. 

4. I'm not sexy and I don't hook up

I was not flattered by this at all. But I decided to keep going because I figured he would say something blog worthy and he sure did! What kind of person would say yes to that?? I don't even know you! And saying "aw" like I'm going to feel bad and change my mind? Gross. BYE!!!

5. Don't be Javi

No explanation necessary

Bottom line: tinder is gross and I don't like it at all. 

Stay classy guys!

Much love,

Jen