Shit gets real

Hello sweet blog of mine!

Things are starting to come together for the big move. Last week I absolutely nailed a job interview for the after school program in my area. I was blown away by how much thought and care is put into this amazing program. Since my schedule blows this coming semester its looking like I'll be a substitute leader on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Which is kind of lame in the aspect of I don't know when I'll be working and that means I may not be making any money for a while. But on the other hand that means I can visit all 25 sites (yes 25 sites because I'm qualified to work with K-6th grade now that I have my associates degree) and make connections with the leaders who may request me for their site. I also have the option to say no! If I'm swamped with studying and don't feel like working on a Tuesday I have the option to say "no thanks" which is perfect for starting my first semester at a real big girl school. But when I spoke to the coordinator she mentioned the possibility of creating a position for two days a week.....hmmmm..... they did really seem to like me :) Everyone I met at the interview was so unbelievably nice. Everyone just wants to be friends! Which is exactly what I need when I'm moving 7 hours away to a town where I know a total of 3 people.

My roommate Bry and I also met! This was the scariest part of the entire trip up because from my previous experience living in Santa Barbara, I know how your life can become hell when you don't like your roommate. It couldn't of gone more perfect though! We both have a lot of the same tastes and she is so laid-back. We have the same mindset for the next 2 years at CSUC, study hard and party sometimes! I can totally see us being such great friends which is what I want/need in my life right now. Living with people isn't easy but I have to remember that it isn't the end of the world. If I remember to speak up when I'm not happy and not bottle things up inside I know it'll all be okay. We have been texting each other planning the color scheme for our bathroom and I just know its going to be adorable.

With all this exciting stuff going on my anxiety has been a little higher than it normally is. My lovely (lol jk) ex decided to text me while I was in the car on the way to Chico. Don't worry guys, it only took him a year to realize that he wasn't very nice to me. I took the opportunity to tell him how happy I am we broke up and I'm on the path to success. He took the opportunity to tell me he's going to Mexico....lol. It kind of made me a little panicky because I thought maybe he saw my last blog post? Why was he suddenly thinking of me? I hate that he still texts me sometimes. I always wonder when he's going to bother me again. This has kind of spiraled into stress about my move. Although I'm excited and happy for this, the unknown has always made me want to stay locked up in my room. I had to rush out of TJ Maxx while I was looking at shower curtains because I felt like everyone was staring at me and I was going to have a panic attack.

Depression and anxiety is no joke. And although I am doing really great right now, I am trying to mentally prepare myself because I know it won't stay like this forever. I think as long as I stay busy and real put all my energy into school I'll be able to overcome any major obstacles in the future.

So the next 3 weeks will be spent packing up my room forever. Whenever I've left and came home to my mom I was always able to stay in my room. But I'm taking my bed!! So whenever I come home I'll have to stay in the guest room. How freaking weird is that.

Shit is getting real.

Fuck.

A thank you letter (kind of not really)

Hello! If you're reading this I have to be honest, I'm kind of concerned. I am starting this bad boy up again. But this time I won't be sharing links on social media. So if I know you personally and you're reading this, well done on your stalking capabilities.

I started this blog as a coping mechanism. I always referred to it as my diary. But looking back (I actually refuse to read my old posts. My god they are cringe city!) this blog was my only friend. I don't know if it was delayed teenage angst or my first severe battle with depression but I honestly felt that nobody knew what I was going through. I was stuck in my hometown surrounded by people who didn't understand me and no real goals in mind. I was "behind" in school and it felt like nobody understood me.

I went back to school. Taking bullshit classes that didn't really help me towards graduation.

And then I met a guy. You know how it goes.

I suddenly went from having no goals in life to ALL OF THE GOALS. I was going to be a teacher in the UK and live a posh London life full of medical care and a topped up oyster card and my future children would grow up as UK/US citizens and my steering wheel would be on the wrong side and blah blah blahhhhhh blah.

And then I lived in London for 2 months, and came back for 3 more. And it was the worst time of my life. And also the most important thing that has ever happened to me.

I was trying so hard to make my goal work. A goal that was so unbelievably wrong for my life. I didn't realize how unhappy I was until I could smell the smoggy air when I got out of the international terminal at LAX after I flew home 3 weeks early. I hadn't suffered from a stint of depression since I took time off of school and I never even noticed how deep I was in until my days started to become a lot more sunnier in California.

I was home early, having to explain that my boyfriend and I broke up and I had to fly home early to save myself from throwing my body into the Thames. My only goal, as unappealing as it was to me, of becoming a UK primary teacher was now gone and I had no desire to run after it. What the fuck was I going to do with my life.

I applied for 3 California State Universities. Thank you to my brother Michael who was like "wtf just apply to school, that's what you're going to do. Duh". The idea of being a teacher had left such a disgusting taste in my mouth. So I decided to apply under a Communicative Science and Disorders major for Fall 2016. Because I wasn't spending breaks in England anymore, I would be able to finish my classes in time to graduate with my first degree in June 2016. I also decided to take my Birthright trip to Israel. I had put it off for so long and my ex never had nice things to say about Jews (and um I'm Jewish so put the pieces together). Where I met some of my now closest friends and a nice jewish boy to rebound with :) *mazel tov*

I was rejected from 2 of the universities and I automatically assumed the 3rd would be a no too. Why would they take me? But on Mother's Day 2016 my life changed forever when I saw that Chico State had taken a chance on me. I was going to get my Bachelors degree in one of the most prestigious universities on the west coast.

Being honest here, I knew nothing about Chico. Just that they had my major and the website looked really organized. I figured that was a good sign. Once I was accepted and saw the amazing red brick campus with my own eyes I knew that it was where I was meant to be. Every event in the past year had lead me to there. Now I will FINALLY be moving 7 hours away from home and doing what for the first time in forever FEELS SO RIGHT.

Today I started packing up my room and I guess this has lead to my nostalgic filled post. I think I just want something to look back on and remember this time in my life. In a few days I'll be going back up to Chico to sign my lease and meet my roommate who I love love love so much already. I have a job squared away and my classes picked out for the semester. It is going to be so challenging but I can't wait to have my degree in 2 years.

So thank you ex-boyfriend. Even though you were a real dick, I was never angry that we broke up. You saw something I wasn't able to see about myself. I do miss your friendship and wonder how you are sometimes. Without you I do not think I would be where I am in life at the moment. I really think you would love Chico which makes me a little bit sad when I know you'll never see it. But it's time for me to start a new chapter of my life on a clean slate.

Here's to the next big adventure!

XOXO,
Jen

The difference a year makes

Blogging is hard. In more ways than people imagine. I am so infrequent at posting, not because I don't have things to write about but because I hate that my words I spend so much time perfecting are seen by people who have such a large amount of anger towards me. I hate that I can't share the fact that my blog has been sponsored by Google (yes, those ads you see are there for a reason) without being attacked. There will always be people who do not agree with what I say or write or the choices I make in life. This is the internet and I make my blog available to anyone who would find pleasure in reading it, but it is also available to anyone who wants to tear it apart and that is difficult for me to deal with sometimes.

I have more to write about than my boyfriend. That was not the intention of my blog. Jen's Tiny World. My world. What I go through and how I see the world through my eyes. I am 20 years old and have so much growing and learning to do.

Go back to my first posts. See how much has changed. How much of the world I've seen. I now have goals and hopes and so much positivity when I think about what my life will be like in the next year or two. I work a job I can't stand and go to school and the library all the time so my trip to London this winter won't be my last. 

I don't know where in this world I will go. I don't know what I will write about next. It may be controversial, it may be about my boyfriend, it may be about the fact that I worked a 6 hour shift today and only made $6 in tips. I just know that with every place my life leads me to will change me for all the right reasons.

It's been a wild year. I appreciate everyone who has been nothing but supportive of my blog and all my other crazy choices I make.

Much love,

Jen

How to get to England (or anywhere else in the world)

Hard to believe that I am writing this post from a Starbucks in Central London. This time last year I thought I would never get here. But if I learned anything this past year it's that if you work your ass off and grow up and take control of your life then you can go anywhere in this big wide world.

I'd be lying if I said I don't miss home comforts. I miss my dogs and my big squishy bed and dollar bills (I hate pound coins) and in n out. I wouldn't realize these things unless I got out there and experienced this great phenomenon called culture shock.

I struggle with the idea of going home because I really don't have many friends there. Mostly because I feel like I have very little in common with the people I go to school with. I've spent my summers in New York doing the camp thing that only other camp people really understand. I visited 6 different countries in 2014 while I know some people who have never left California. I am dating a man who already has a degree and a career, while my old high school friends just want to party and have no idea what they're doing with their lives. Even though I struggle to make a decent meal for myself, I feel wise beyond my years sometimes.

I get the occasional comment saying how lucky I am, people follow my journeys and travel vicariously through me. It doesn't have to be that way. Any one is possible of traveling. This is my (light hearted) guide to going out and seeing the world in your 20's. In other words, this is how I got my ass out of Quartz Hill and what keeps me from staying there.

1. Come from a family with a large disposable income

Just being honest here. How did I get to Western Europe last April? Daddy paid for it. There was no bar hopping or space muffins in Amsterdam. But I saw it and that's what counts. I was raised in a family that loves to travel and puts a lot of value in it. I took my first plane ride at 2 years old. Having the support of my family when I said I'm going to London is really how I'm here today. 

2. Make sacrifices 

So maybe tip number one isn't useful for you. I bought my plane ticket to London with my own money that I earned working through the summer. Instead of acting like a high roller when I was in Vegas in August I saved as much as I could to get on that plane by myself. Instead of moving out and paying rent and being on my own at almost 21 years old, I still live with my parents. As much as I would love some freedom and independence, that free rent allows me spend my money on the next adventure I may go on. If you really want something, you'll do what it takes to get there. 

3. Have a travel buddy

Lucky for me, or unlucky at some points, my best friends and boyfriend live very far away from me. Which has allowed me to come to London and other parts of the UK and I didn't have to pay for any place to stay. Although the long distance relationship is not ideal, we are taking advantage of our situation. If we're going to fly across the world to see each other then why not fly somewhere different than our home towns and explore the world together? Having someone to travel with is my motivation to actually reconsider how much money I spend at Starbucks. Venti latte every week or dinner and drinks when we're on holiday? (Or vacation, I've spent too much time in England)

4. Face your fears

The world can be a scary place. I can't even get on a plane without prescription medication to calm my anxiety because of my fear of flying. But that doesn't stop me. The world is actually safer than it's ever been before despite what you see on the news (there's a great BBC special on this if anyone is interested). So many people are afraid of what's beyond the safety of their home country that they will never go and see what's really out there. I'd be lying if I said I'm not afraid too. I'm the girl that's only been to North America and Europe. But I'm working out broadening my horizons and taking those risks. 

So what's your excuse? Why haven't you bought that plane ticket or booked that family trip you've always wanted? Last January I said I would never go to London. Ever. And here I am after changing my flights to stay even longer than originally planned. This is just the first stop on many of the trips I plan to go on this year. Just wait and see!

Much love (from London!!!!!),

Jen

Going the distance

"My boyfriend lives in Nevada and it is just so hard. I don't know how you do it Jen"

When the people I sit next to in class ask me about the guy in the photo set as my wallpaper, I try to keep it as short as possible. I say he's my boyfriend, they ask how we met, and out comes the story. 95% of the time, I can predict exactly what questions you are going to ask me. I don't mind of course. This all happens because of how proud I am to call my boyfriend mine and share our story. So I try to smile and nod my head and sympathize as you tell me that the person you're dating lives 4 hours away.

At least you live in the same timezone. You won't deal with ridiculous charges on your phone bill when he calls you just to remind you he loves you.

But I do.

People are genuinely curious to know what it's like. I remember being 13 years old and watching What a Girl Wants and wishing so badly to be Amanda Bynes, running around London with cute boys. Silly teenage me...

This list should probably be retitled to "What happens when you're 20 years old and come from a small California town and date a guy from England". But they say to write about what you know, and I know this pretty well. I'm sure a handful of you do too.

People wonder if I'm being catfished. As if we found each other on the internet and have never met and my boyfriend is actually a 55 year old pedophile living in a mobile home park with his mother in Kentucky. Technically we did meet on Facebook, but that's only because I'm adorable and Max just had to get to know me before camp.

I've had some wonder if he's lived in America, and I'm just being pretentious and saying he's English.

"Wait, so does he say things weird? Like trainers and mum?"
It's not weird, you get used to it.

I get the occasional shaking of the head, pity looks from older people thinking I'm making such a huge mistake. The really curious ones even ask how I do it.

What they don't ask is if I'm happy. They always assume I'm not.
I have never answered any questions about him, except the ones that have to do with his nationality.
No one wants to know about the sweet little things, but they will gladly listen to any negativity I could give them.

I will never say that this is easy. But with him, it is the easiest choice I've ever made.

None of you know how hard we work to keep each other involved in our daily lives. Not because we have to, but because we want to.

We stay up late and wake up early so we can get 5 extra minutes of hearing each others voices and sleep well/get through our day.

It's when we snapchat and realize I'm wearing a shirt that is almost identical to the one he has in England. We just have the same incredible taste in clothing.

Counting down the days to seeing each other and knowing after 10+ hours of traveling across an ocean and a continent, that someone you love will be waiting there with open arms.

Waking up in the morning and not being sure how I can get through the day and seeing a reminder that someone is out there who absolutely believes I can do anything, well that is just something I never want to live without.

This is so much more than going the distance.
This is going for my dreams and having my best friend holding my hand at the finish line.


So if you ever meet someone who is dating a person from another country, I encourage you to ask questions. But I also encourage you to remember that we don't do it because we have to, we do it because we want to.


Much love,
Jen

Why I made the same "mistake" twice

"You're so American!"

That's how it started. No "once upon a time" or flashes of lightening. Nothing like you would imagine a blog worthy story to start with.  If I'm being completely honest then I would have to admit that it started with Max commenting on some bratty status I put on Facebook back in April, not very exciting either. But I like to say it started about 2 months later in the dinning hall. When I was too scared to approach him but we crossed paths near the door and I did what I just thought I should do, I hugged him. And he finally realized how horribly American I am.

I could go on and on about our summer. But that really isn't what this is about.

This wasn't supposed to happen. After this past year of dealing with depression and an unhealthy relationship, and just trying to find some happiness in my life, I wanted to go back to camp and see my kids. No boys and especially none with an accent. There was no way in hell I was going to have a repeat of last year.

Yet here I am. But what some of you don't understand is that even though my situation is very similar to where I was last year, it is 100% absolutely different than I ever imagined it could be. So I'm not exactly sure what to say when a friend casually texts me and says "so....you have an English boyfriend...again?" Because I feel your judgement radiating through my phone screen and I really don't feel like I should have to defend my decisions.

We never planned on this happening. In fact we agreed from day one that we would part ways in August and remember what a great summer we had. Then came the walks along the lake, the days off in the Delaware river, the changing of flights, traveling together, tears and laughs and sharing things we have never shared with anyone else before. This was nothing like I had experienced before. Not last year, not ever.

I'm sure some of you say things about me like I only date guys who are British or that I can't manage to find a guy in my hometown so I have to do long distance. I didn't fall for Max because of where he's from. I did it because he is one of the smartest men I have ever met. He is so kind and treats me like I'm royalty, even when I don't deserve it. I have never been afraid to say what's on my mind and even a continent and ocean apart, this is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. We talk about the future and traveling the world together, even though it's forever away and the odds are against us.

I wouldn't be going through this if I wasn't happy. And every single night I go to sleep with a smile. Which I can 100% for a fact say is not how I was feeling this time last year. I am not naive and I am aware that the chances of a happily ever after are slim. But I don't care. Because today I am happy. And if that ever changes I know it's time to move on.

I may look back on this a year from now and cringe but I also may look back and smile. I am just so thankful to have met someone who as made me realize what I deserve in life. All the events in my life have led me to my best friend and someone who I care so deeply for. I know this path leads to long periods of dealing with an 8 hour time difference, missed birthdays and holidays, thousands of dollars in plane tickets, tearful goodbyes, and very difficult decisions down the road. But it also leads to unlimited amounts of happiness, a supporter in every decision I make, back rubs, many stamps in my passport, and opportunities I wouldn't be capable of on my own.

Now instead of wondering why I made this "mistake" again, I hope you all realize that this is no silly game.

I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Much love,
Jen

How I learned to create my own happiness

One year ago, I was a completely different person. Extremely depressed, clinging to the idea that there was only one person out there who could make me happy. That really didn't get me very far.

I spent a lot of time by myself, blaming others for my problems. The reason I was living at home with no friends in an unhealthy relationship wasn't my fault, it was caused by anyone else but me. I spent a lot of time thinking this way and it wasn't the healthiest way to live my life.

If I'm being honest, my situation from last year hasn't changed much. I'm still living at home. I don't have many friends. I'm getting back into my normal routine after having the most incredible summer of my life. Trying not to become overwhelmed by the sadness that still hits me when I think about the most tearful goodbye at an airport I've ever had.

My situation hasn't changed, but I have.

I've learned that sometimes the easier decision isn't always the best one in the long run. 

If you want to travel the world, you can't sit at home and wonder why you aren't going anywhere.

Never let the fear of seeing someone you don't like stop you from going back to the place you love.

It's okay to be sad, its not okay to wallow in a dark room for 2 weeks straight.

If you love someone, you let them go when you need to.

It might seem contradictory to say that there was someone out there who taught me how to be happy on my own. But everyday I am thankful that my life has led me to someone who was able to make me see that I can do anything I want. Life isn't easy and I know I'm going to face so many roadblocks in the near future. If I can get through what this past year has handed to me I know that I can get through anything. 

I'm excited to see where my writing, traveling, and life leads me to in the next year.

Much love,

Jen