Hello! If you're reading this I have to be honest, I'm kind of concerned. I am starting this bad boy up again. But this time I won't be sharing links on social media. So if I know you personally and you're reading this, well done on your stalking capabilities.
I started this blog as a coping mechanism. I always referred to it as my diary. But looking back (I actually refuse to read my old posts. My god they are cringe city!) this blog was my only friend. I don't know if it was delayed teenage angst or my first severe battle with depression but I honestly felt that nobody knew what I was going through. I was stuck in my hometown surrounded by people who didn't understand me and no real goals in mind. I was "behind" in school and it felt like nobody understood me.
I went back to school. Taking bullshit classes that didn't really help me towards graduation.
And then I met a guy. You know how it goes.
I suddenly went from having no goals in life to ALL OF THE GOALS. I was going to be a teacher in the UK and live a posh London life full of medical care and a topped up oyster card and my future children would grow up as UK/US citizens and my steering wheel would be on the wrong side and blah blah blahhhhhh blah.
And then I lived in London for 2 months, and came back for 3 more. And it was the worst time of my life. And also the most important thing that has ever happened to me.
I was trying so hard to make my goal work. A goal that was so unbelievably wrong for my life. I didn't realize how unhappy I was until I could smell the smoggy air when I got out of the international terminal at LAX after I flew home 3 weeks early. I hadn't suffered from a stint of depression since I took time off of school and I never even noticed how deep I was in until my days started to become a lot more sunnier in California.
I was home early, having to explain that my boyfriend and I broke up and I had to fly home early to save myself from throwing my body into the Thames. My only goal, as unappealing as it was to me, of becoming a UK primary teacher was now gone and I had no desire to run after it. What the fuck was I going to do with my life.
I applied for 3 California State Universities. Thank you to my brother Michael who was like "wtf just apply to school, that's what you're going to do. Duh". The idea of being a teacher had left such a disgusting taste in my mouth. So I decided to apply under a Communicative Science and Disorders major for Fall 2016. Because I wasn't spending breaks in England anymore, I would be able to finish my classes in time to graduate with my first degree in June 2016. I also decided to take my Birthright trip to Israel. I had put it off for so long and my ex never had nice things to say about Jews (and um I'm Jewish so put the pieces together). Where I met some of my now closest friends and a nice jewish boy to rebound with :) *mazel tov*
I was rejected from 2 of the universities and I automatically assumed the 3rd would be a no too. Why would they take me? But on Mother's Day 2016 my life changed forever when I saw that Chico State had taken a chance on me. I was going to get my Bachelors degree in one of the most prestigious universities on the west coast.
Being honest here, I knew nothing about Chico. Just that they had my major and the website looked really organized. I figured that was a good sign. Once I was accepted and saw the amazing red brick campus with my own eyes I knew that it was where I was meant to be. Every event in the past year had lead me to there. Now I will FINALLY be moving 7 hours away from home and doing what for the first time in forever FEELS SO RIGHT.
Today I started packing up my room and I guess this has lead to my nostalgic filled post. I think I just want something to look back on and remember this time in my life. In a few days I'll be going back up to Chico to sign my lease and meet my roommate who I love love love so much already. I have a job squared away and my classes picked out for the semester. It is going to be so challenging but I can't wait to have my degree in 2 years.
So thank you ex-boyfriend. Even though you were a real dick, I was never angry that we broke up. You saw something I wasn't able to see about myself. I do miss your friendship and wonder how you are sometimes. Without you I do not think I would be where I am in life at the moment. I really think you would love Chico which makes me a little bit sad when I know you'll never see it. But it's time for me to start a new chapter of my life on a clean slate.
Here's to the next big adventure!
XOXO,
Jen
No comments:
Post a Comment