Why I made the same "mistake" twice

"You're so American!"

That's how it started. No "once upon a time" or flashes of lightening. Nothing like you would imagine a blog worthy story to start with.  If I'm being completely honest then I would have to admit that it started with Max commenting on some bratty status I put on Facebook back in April, not very exciting either. But I like to say it started about 2 months later in the dinning hall. When I was too scared to approach him but we crossed paths near the door and I did what I just thought I should do, I hugged him. And he finally realized how horribly American I am.

I could go on and on about our summer. But that really isn't what this is about.

This wasn't supposed to happen. After this past year of dealing with depression and an unhealthy relationship, and just trying to find some happiness in my life, I wanted to go back to camp and see my kids. No boys and especially none with an accent. There was no way in hell I was going to have a repeat of last year.

Yet here I am. But what some of you don't understand is that even though my situation is very similar to where I was last year, it is 100% absolutely different than I ever imagined it could be. So I'm not exactly sure what to say when a friend casually texts me and says "so....you have an English boyfriend...again?" Because I feel your judgement radiating through my phone screen and I really don't feel like I should have to defend my decisions.

We never planned on this happening. In fact we agreed from day one that we would part ways in August and remember what a great summer we had. Then came the walks along the lake, the days off in the Delaware river, the changing of flights, traveling together, tears and laughs and sharing things we have never shared with anyone else before. This was nothing like I had experienced before. Not last year, not ever.

I'm sure some of you say things about me like I only date guys who are British or that I can't manage to find a guy in my hometown so I have to do long distance. I didn't fall for Max because of where he's from. I did it because he is one of the smartest men I have ever met. He is so kind and treats me like I'm royalty, even when I don't deserve it. I have never been afraid to say what's on my mind and even a continent and ocean apart, this is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. We talk about the future and traveling the world together, even though it's forever away and the odds are against us.

I wouldn't be going through this if I wasn't happy. And every single night I go to sleep with a smile. Which I can 100% for a fact say is not how I was feeling this time last year. I am not naive and I am aware that the chances of a happily ever after are slim. But I don't care. Because today I am happy. And if that ever changes I know it's time to move on.

I may look back on this a year from now and cringe but I also may look back and smile. I am just so thankful to have met someone who as made me realize what I deserve in life. All the events in my life have led me to my best friend and someone who I care so deeply for. I know this path leads to long periods of dealing with an 8 hour time difference, missed birthdays and holidays, thousands of dollars in plane tickets, tearful goodbyes, and very difficult decisions down the road. But it also leads to unlimited amounts of happiness, a supporter in every decision I make, back rubs, many stamps in my passport, and opportunities I wouldn't be capable of on my own.

Now instead of wondering why I made this "mistake" again, I hope you all realize that this is no silly game.

I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Much love,
Jen

How I learned to create my own happiness

One year ago, I was a completely different person. Extremely depressed, clinging to the idea that there was only one person out there who could make me happy. That really didn't get me very far.

I spent a lot of time by myself, blaming others for my problems. The reason I was living at home with no friends in an unhealthy relationship wasn't my fault, it was caused by anyone else but me. I spent a lot of time thinking this way and it wasn't the healthiest way to live my life.

If I'm being honest, my situation from last year hasn't changed much. I'm still living at home. I don't have many friends. I'm getting back into my normal routine after having the most incredible summer of my life. Trying not to become overwhelmed by the sadness that still hits me when I think about the most tearful goodbye at an airport I've ever had.

My situation hasn't changed, but I have.

I've learned that sometimes the easier decision isn't always the best one in the long run. 

If you want to travel the world, you can't sit at home and wonder why you aren't going anywhere.

Never let the fear of seeing someone you don't like stop you from going back to the place you love.

It's okay to be sad, its not okay to wallow in a dark room for 2 weeks straight.

If you love someone, you let them go when you need to.

It might seem contradictory to say that there was someone out there who taught me how to be happy on my own. But everyday I am thankful that my life has led me to someone who was able to make me see that I can do anything I want. Life isn't easy and I know I'm going to face so many roadblocks in the near future. If I can get through what this past year has handed to me I know that I can get through anything. 

I'm excited to see where my writing, traveling, and life leads me to in the next year.

Much love,

Jen

The summer is magic

You're sitting in your room. 

Alone. Like, extremely alone.

Pretty depressed. 

You have one thing that makes you happy. And it's 8 weeks at a beautiful place in Glen Spey, NY. 

Here's the challenge. The one person you don't want to see on this planet will be standing on the sidelines the entire time.

I could of easily said no fucking way am I going through that. I've been through enough. 

But then I think of my campers, who text me begging me to be their counselor again. I think of my best friend who is going to experience the magic that camp creates for the first time. I think of the counselors in my bunk that become my best friends (literally) in the entire world. 

I think of the boy that catches your eye at the beginning of camp. And even though it's only for 8 weeks, nothing can take away the feeling of kissing in the New York rain and watching the stars by the boating dock.

I can sit here and tell you how awkward it is to have your ex boyfriend stare at you constantly. But it isn't about that. It's about dancing in the social hall with aching feet with your new friends from around the world. It's about an Irish guy grabbing you and spinning you around in front of a circle of people. It's about being so tired at the end of the day, but doubling that feeling in happiness.

I can't believe I almost missed this.

I hope all of you are having half as much fun as I am this summer.

Much love,

Jen

What I miss when I'm away from home

Officially one week before I leave for New York City. And 11 days until I'm wearing my staff shirt, greeting new counselors before we get on the bus to camp. It feels like just yesterday I was in the middle of Manhattan, surrounded by drunk Brits, crying my eyes out because that was the last time I was going to see majority of those people.

Here we are 10 months later! My stuff is pretty much packed, I have my things ready to be shipped to camp, and I am just as nervous as I was last year.

Obviously we know I love camp. Otherwise I wouldn't be putting myself through this again. But it's the hardest job I'll ever love. I'm not the type to pretend here. Going away from home and basically away from the outside world for 2 months can be difficult. There is a lot of things I'm going to miss.

Waking up whenever I want is one thing that does not happen at camp. I'm up at 7 am for 8 weeks straight. Even on my days off I don't get to sleep in. Those sweet little campers of mine think it's funny to ask me to brush their hair and get their clothes when I'm trying to hibernate. I'm flattered they want me to do it, but ughhhhhh!!!!

Hot Cheetos don't exist in New York. They can't handle the spicy.

Big Bertha (my car) is terribly missed during camp. The taxi service is horrendous and not dependable. And last year some people with cars left me and a few others stranded on the side of the road. I really hope I have a day off with a nice person with a car. I'll give you all my hot cheetos that get sent to camp.

I miss my dogs a lot during camp.

My hair misses the dry heat of California. We don't do well with humidity. But its camp, hair and make up are the last priority.

Bacon. Kosher camp problems.

Real Mexican food is not real Mexican food outside of Southern California and Mexico. I crave posole on rainy camp days.

Starbucks. Oh and In n Out.

Going to bed whenever I want. You're tired? Oh but you're on OD and can't go to sleep until a counselor from the bunk you're watching comes back. Which could be midnight. And when you aren't on OD, you're going to want to stay out of the bunk as long as possible because it's what you've looked forward to all day long. Especially those long romantic walks down to boating!! Can't give that up for sleep!!

Here's the thing. I would gladly give all that up for just a few more days with my kids at the end of the summer. Yeah us counselors have our moments, where we sit on our beds and gossip with each other about what we miss from home. But when your campers won't let you leave the bunk without a hug goodnight, or when they beg you to be their counselor next year, it is all worth it. Camp is a magical place that makes you realize things about yourself that you didn't think were possible.


10 days before I'm on this crazy journey once again.

Much love,
Jen

How not to tinder part II

One day I'm going to write about really powerful things. I'm going to change the world if you all haven't realized it. And I'm going to have extremely intellectual conversations about what I write with intelligent friends while drinking coffee at Urth Café. 

Today is not that day. 

I've talked about many things in my blog. And out of all my posts, my most popular has been "How not to tinder". You sick people love seeing creepy guys harass me on the internet. And you know what? I went right back and did it all over again. This time more creepy than ever before. 

So with that ladies and gentleman, I give you How Not To Tinder Part II

1. Giving small children alcohol

Is this supposed to be funny? Because my maternal instincts are telling me to call child protective services. Oh but at least we have a cooking show in common!!! What a keeper. 

2. What?

No but really what just happened?

3. Excessive messaging

You know a "hi how are you?" would of been fine. One message at a time boys, please!!!!

4. Photos of dead animals are a "no"

Welcome to America. Are girls actually impressed by this? I don't know if I want to throw up or cry. That poor baby coyote!!!! Take your murder elsewhere. 

5. Proper grammar is a must

I'd like to be able to understand what you're saying

6. Keep it classy

I wonder if he came up with that one himself. And if any girls out there genuinely found it funny. 

7. Pickup lines are stupid!

I hate them. So much. They aren't funny!!! And even worse is that he used the word "swerve". At least he left before it got worse. 

8. Keep it real

Your pink shirt makes me concerned. And then you had to make it really weird. I don't know, I just get a creepy vibe from any guy who wants to drink peach moscato and watch a chick flick. 

9. I don't hook up!!!!!!!!!

There you have it boys and girls. I never want to do this again.

I really need to meet a normal guy soon....

Much love,

Jen

Worst week ever

Unable to sleep, I'm going to write a rambling post about nothing in particular to anyone else. But then again this blog was originally intended for that and I could honestly care less what anyone thinks. 

First off my heart is breaking after finding out that in fact I did know one of the victims of the events that took place in Isla Vista this past Friday. What hurts the most is that I cannot be there to support my friends as they try to go back to normalcy. It's been almost a year since I left Isla Vista, but it will always be a part of me and the stories I share. I am so sick of going on Facebook and seeing senseless comments and rude remarks and the Elliot Rodgers fan page. But this is beyond my control and I must do what I can from home. 

The worst part of growing up isn't paying bills or taxes, it's realizing what a terrifying place the world is. 

If any UCSB/SBCC friends are reading this, please know I am thinking about you all and wishing I could be there to rebuild the community that has been so amazing to us. I love you all and I know Peaches will be remembered in us all. 

I wrote a blog about dating last week. And I have found a new source of happiness in a new friend. Until I received this message this morning. 

Oh how I would of loved to not crop her name out, but as an aspiring professional something someday, I decided to protect some identities. I have never met this girl in my life. She is *presumably* the ex girlfriend of the guy I've hung out with 3 TIMES! And I get a message like this? Normally I would blow it off but after this past week I am on an emotional roller coaster. 

This girl knows absolutely nothing about me. Yet she would go out of her way to say something so hurtful? She has no idea what I've been through or what kind of person I am. Why are girls so vicious? I'm not out to hurt anyone or be mean! And I'm truly sorry she's so upset with me but c'mon is that the way to handle it? 

Girls are psychotic at times. But boys aren't so innocent either. Like my clingy ex who doesn't seem to understand that "STOP MESSAGING ME IM NOT YOUR FRIEND" truly means to stop talking to me. How many times will I have to go without responding to him before he understands? Oh and when will he stop asking my friends questions about me trying to get more information about what I'm up to? Frankly it's pathetic and annoying. You had your chance buddy. Let it go. 

Only 2 more weeks of school and 3 more weeks until I am finally free from this stupid town and I'll be eating $1 pizza in Central Park. Can't wait to see my kids from last summer, those crazy ones who make me pull my hair out and cry with laughter in a matter of 30 seconds. 

I just have to stay strong. 

Much love,

Jen

We need gun control, and we need it now

Last night I was scrolling through Instagram. A friend had posted a transcript from police, talking about a shooting in Isla Vista. A student from my former college had killed 6 people at one of the most popular spots in IV.

I don't want to talk about it. I feel like every time someone shares a story about it on Facebook, this monster who did this is just being glorified and spreading his evil deed that much farther.

I miss Isla Vista with everything inside of me. I miss the beach. I miss constantly being surrounded by friends. I miss dancing until my feet hurt and laughing until I cried. Walking to Starbucks and studying for finals with a view of the ocean.

It could of easily been one of my friends.

It could of been me.

Not like this is the first mass shooting in American history. Not even the first school shooting. Yet nobody does a fucking thing to stop it.

What if it was your best friend? What if it was your brother or sister? Or your child? Are you still going to tell me you don't believe we need gun control reform?

I don't understand it. How people can look at me and say "the founding fathers of this country wrote the constitution and declared it my right to bare arms!!"

When they wrote the constitution, mentally ill people were not taking guns and killing masses of innocent people! A parent didn't have to worry about sending their child to school. A psychotic man didn't go into a movie theater and start murdering people. But now? You never know when or how it'll happen.

I'm not trying to take your gun from you, I'm trying to get it out of the wrong hands.

You have to take a test to drive a car, why can't we have evaluations to own a gun? Why can't we do SOMETHING to protect innocent lives?

I love being American. But today I am sad to associate myself with such a scary place.

Much love,
And many thoughts to the victims and families of the shooting in Isla Vista,
Jen