Why I made the same "mistake" twice

"You're so American!"

That's how it started. No "once upon a time" or flashes of lightening. Nothing like you would imagine a blog worthy story to start with.  If I'm being completely honest then I would have to admit that it started with Max commenting on some bratty status I put on Facebook back in April, not very exciting either. But I like to say it started about 2 months later in the dinning hall. When I was too scared to approach him but we crossed paths near the door and I did what I just thought I should do, I hugged him. And he finally realized how horribly American I am.

I could go on and on about our summer. But that really isn't what this is about.

This wasn't supposed to happen. After this past year of dealing with depression and an unhealthy relationship, and just trying to find some happiness in my life, I wanted to go back to camp and see my kids. No boys and especially none with an accent. There was no way in hell I was going to have a repeat of last year.

Yet here I am. But what some of you don't understand is that even though my situation is very similar to where I was last year, it is 100% absolutely different than I ever imagined it could be. So I'm not exactly sure what to say when a friend casually texts me and says "so....you have an English boyfriend...again?" Because I feel your judgement radiating through my phone screen and I really don't feel like I should have to defend my decisions.

We never planned on this happening. In fact we agreed from day one that we would part ways in August and remember what a great summer we had. Then came the walks along the lake, the days off in the Delaware river, the changing of flights, traveling together, tears and laughs and sharing things we have never shared with anyone else before. This was nothing like I had experienced before. Not last year, not ever.

I'm sure some of you say things about me like I only date guys who are British or that I can't manage to find a guy in my hometown so I have to do long distance. I didn't fall for Max because of where he's from. I did it because he is one of the smartest men I have ever met. He is so kind and treats me like I'm royalty, even when I don't deserve it. I have never been afraid to say what's on my mind and even a continent and ocean apart, this is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. We talk about the future and traveling the world together, even though it's forever away and the odds are against us.

I wouldn't be going through this if I wasn't happy. And every single night I go to sleep with a smile. Which I can 100% for a fact say is not how I was feeling this time last year. I am not naive and I am aware that the chances of a happily ever after are slim. But I don't care. Because today I am happy. And if that ever changes I know it's time to move on.

I may look back on this a year from now and cringe but I also may look back and smile. I am just so thankful to have met someone who as made me realize what I deserve in life. All the events in my life have led me to my best friend and someone who I care so deeply for. I know this path leads to long periods of dealing with an 8 hour time difference, missed birthdays and holidays, thousands of dollars in plane tickets, tearful goodbyes, and very difficult decisions down the road. But it also leads to unlimited amounts of happiness, a supporter in every decision I make, back rubs, many stamps in my passport, and opportunities I wouldn't be capable of on my own.

Now instead of wondering why I made this "mistake" again, I hope you all realize that this is no silly game.

I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Much love,
Jen

How I learned to create my own happiness

One year ago, I was a completely different person. Extremely depressed, clinging to the idea that there was only one person out there who could make me happy. That really didn't get me very far.

I spent a lot of time by myself, blaming others for my problems. The reason I was living at home with no friends in an unhealthy relationship wasn't my fault, it was caused by anyone else but me. I spent a lot of time thinking this way and it wasn't the healthiest way to live my life.

If I'm being honest, my situation from last year hasn't changed much. I'm still living at home. I don't have many friends. I'm getting back into my normal routine after having the most incredible summer of my life. Trying not to become overwhelmed by the sadness that still hits me when I think about the most tearful goodbye at an airport I've ever had.

My situation hasn't changed, but I have.

I've learned that sometimes the easier decision isn't always the best one in the long run. 

If you want to travel the world, you can't sit at home and wonder why you aren't going anywhere.

Never let the fear of seeing someone you don't like stop you from going back to the place you love.

It's okay to be sad, its not okay to wallow in a dark room for 2 weeks straight.

If you love someone, you let them go when you need to.

It might seem contradictory to say that there was someone out there who taught me how to be happy on my own. But everyday I am thankful that my life has led me to someone who was able to make me see that I can do anything I want. Life isn't easy and I know I'm going to face so many roadblocks in the near future. If I can get through what this past year has handed to me I know that I can get through anything. 

I'm excited to see where my writing, traveling, and life leads me to in the next year.

Much love,

Jen