Hello sweet blog of mine!
Things are starting to come together for the big move. Last week I absolutely nailed a job interview for the after school program in my area. I was blown away by how much thought and care is put into this amazing program. Since my schedule blows this coming semester its looking like I'll be a substitute leader on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Which is kind of lame in the aspect of I don't know when I'll be working and that means I may not be making any money for a while. But on the other hand that means I can visit all 25 sites (yes 25 sites because I'm qualified to work with K-6th grade now that I have my associates degree) and make connections with the leaders who may request me for their site. I also have the option to say no! If I'm swamped with studying and don't feel like working on a Tuesday I have the option to say "no thanks" which is perfect for starting my first semester at a real big girl school. But when I spoke to the coordinator she mentioned the possibility of creating a position for two days a week.....hmmmm..... they did really seem to like me :) Everyone I met at the interview was so unbelievably nice. Everyone just wants to be friends! Which is exactly what I need when I'm moving 7 hours away to a town where I know a total of 3 people.
My roommate Bry and I also met! This was the scariest part of the entire trip up because from my previous experience living in Santa Barbara, I know how your life can become hell when you don't like your roommate. It couldn't of gone more perfect though! We both have a lot of the same tastes and she is so laid-back. We have the same mindset for the next 2 years at CSUC, study hard and party sometimes! I can totally see us being such great friends which is what I want/need in my life right now. Living with people isn't easy but I have to remember that it isn't the end of the world. If I remember to speak up when I'm not happy and not bottle things up inside I know it'll all be okay. We have been texting each other planning the color scheme for our bathroom and I just know its going to be adorable.
With all this exciting stuff going on my anxiety has been a little higher than it normally is. My lovely (lol jk) ex decided to text me while I was in the car on the way to Chico. Don't worry guys, it only took him a year to realize that he wasn't very nice to me. I took the opportunity to tell him how happy I am we broke up and I'm on the path to success. He took the opportunity to tell me he's going to Mexico....lol. It kind of made me a little panicky because I thought maybe he saw my last blog post? Why was he suddenly thinking of me? I hate that he still texts me sometimes. I always wonder when he's going to bother me again. This has kind of spiraled into stress about my move. Although I'm excited and happy for this, the unknown has always made me want to stay locked up in my room. I had to rush out of TJ Maxx while I was looking at shower curtains because I felt like everyone was staring at me and I was going to have a panic attack.
Depression and anxiety is no joke. And although I am doing really great right now, I am trying to mentally prepare myself because I know it won't stay like this forever. I think as long as I stay busy and real put all my energy into school I'll be able to overcome any major obstacles in the future.
So the next 3 weeks will be spent packing up my room forever. Whenever I've left and came home to my mom I was always able to stay in my room. But I'm taking my bed!! So whenever I come home I'll have to stay in the guest room. How freaking weird is that.
Shit is getting real.
Fuck.
Sunday, July 24, 2016
Thursday, July 14, 2016
A thank you letter (kind of not really)
Hello! If you're reading this I have to be honest, I'm kind of concerned. I am starting this bad boy up again. But this time I won't be sharing links on social media. So if I know you personally and you're reading this, well done on your stalking capabilities.
I started this blog as a coping mechanism. I always referred to it as my diary. But looking back (I actually refuse to read my old posts. My god they are cringe city!) this blog was my only friend. I don't know if it was delayed teenage angst or my first severe battle with depression but I honestly felt that nobody knew what I was going through. I was stuck in my hometown surrounded by people who didn't understand me and no real goals in mind. I was "behind" in school and it felt like nobody understood me.
I went back to school. Taking bullshit classes that didn't really help me towards graduation.
And then I met a guy. You know how it goes.
I suddenly went from having no goals in life to ALL OF THE GOALS. I was going to be a teacher in the UK and live a posh London life full of medical care and a topped up oyster card and my future children would grow up as UK/US citizens and my steering wheel would be on the wrong side and blah blah blahhhhhh blah.
And then I lived in London for 2 months, and came back for 3 more. And it was the worst time of my life. And also the most important thing that has ever happened to me.
I was trying so hard to make my goal work. A goal that was so unbelievably wrong for my life. I didn't realize how unhappy I was until I could smell the smoggy air when I got out of the international terminal at LAX after I flew home 3 weeks early. I hadn't suffered from a stint of depression since I took time off of school and I never even noticed how deep I was in until my days started to become a lot more sunnier in California.
I was home early, having to explain that my boyfriend and I broke up and I had to fly home early to save myself from throwing my body into the Thames. My only goal, as unappealing as it was to me, of becoming a UK primary teacher was now gone and I had no desire to run after it. What the fuck was I going to do with my life.
I applied for 3 California State Universities. Thank you to my brother Michael who was like "wtf just apply to school, that's what you're going to do. Duh". The idea of being a teacher had left such a disgusting taste in my mouth. So I decided to apply under a Communicative Science and Disorders major for Fall 2016. Because I wasn't spending breaks in England anymore, I would be able to finish my classes in time to graduate with my first degree in June 2016. I also decided to take my Birthright trip to Israel. I had put it off for so long and my ex never had nice things to say about Jews (and um I'm Jewish so put the pieces together). Where I met some of my now closest friends and a nice jewish boy to rebound with :) *mazel tov*
I was rejected from 2 of the universities and I automatically assumed the 3rd would be a no too. Why would they take me? But on Mother's Day 2016 my life changed forever when I saw that Chico State had taken a chance on me. I was going to get my Bachelors degree in one of the most prestigious universities on the west coast.
Being honest here, I knew nothing about Chico. Just that they had my major and the website looked really organized. I figured that was a good sign. Once I was accepted and saw the amazing red brick campus with my own eyes I knew that it was where I was meant to be. Every event in the past year had lead me to there. Now I will FINALLY be moving 7 hours away from home and doing what for the first time in forever FEELS SO RIGHT.
Today I started packing up my room and I guess this has lead to my nostalgic filled post. I think I just want something to look back on and remember this time in my life. In a few days I'll be going back up to Chico to sign my lease and meet my roommate who I love love love so much already. I have a job squared away and my classes picked out for the semester. It is going to be so challenging but I can't wait to have my degree in 2 years.
So thank you ex-boyfriend. Even though you were a real dick, I was never angry that we broke up. You saw something I wasn't able to see about myself. I do miss your friendship and wonder how you are sometimes. Without you I do not think I would be where I am in life at the moment. I really think you would love Chico which makes me a little bit sad when I know you'll never see it. But it's time for me to start a new chapter of my life on a clean slate.
Here's to the next big adventure!
XOXO,
Jen
I started this blog as a coping mechanism. I always referred to it as my diary. But looking back (I actually refuse to read my old posts. My god they are cringe city!) this blog was my only friend. I don't know if it was delayed teenage angst or my first severe battle with depression but I honestly felt that nobody knew what I was going through. I was stuck in my hometown surrounded by people who didn't understand me and no real goals in mind. I was "behind" in school and it felt like nobody understood me.
I went back to school. Taking bullshit classes that didn't really help me towards graduation.
And then I met a guy. You know how it goes.
I suddenly went from having no goals in life to ALL OF THE GOALS. I was going to be a teacher in the UK and live a posh London life full of medical care and a topped up oyster card and my future children would grow up as UK/US citizens and my steering wheel would be on the wrong side and blah blah blahhhhhh blah.
And then I lived in London for 2 months, and came back for 3 more. And it was the worst time of my life. And also the most important thing that has ever happened to me.
I was trying so hard to make my goal work. A goal that was so unbelievably wrong for my life. I didn't realize how unhappy I was until I could smell the smoggy air when I got out of the international terminal at LAX after I flew home 3 weeks early. I hadn't suffered from a stint of depression since I took time off of school and I never even noticed how deep I was in until my days started to become a lot more sunnier in California.
I was home early, having to explain that my boyfriend and I broke up and I had to fly home early to save myself from throwing my body into the Thames. My only goal, as unappealing as it was to me, of becoming a UK primary teacher was now gone and I had no desire to run after it. What the fuck was I going to do with my life.
I applied for 3 California State Universities. Thank you to my brother Michael who was like "wtf just apply to school, that's what you're going to do. Duh". The idea of being a teacher had left such a disgusting taste in my mouth. So I decided to apply under a Communicative Science and Disorders major for Fall 2016. Because I wasn't spending breaks in England anymore, I would be able to finish my classes in time to graduate with my first degree in June 2016. I also decided to take my Birthright trip to Israel. I had put it off for so long and my ex never had nice things to say about Jews (and um I'm Jewish so put the pieces together). Where I met some of my now closest friends and a nice jewish boy to rebound with :) *mazel tov*
I was rejected from 2 of the universities and I automatically assumed the 3rd would be a no too. Why would they take me? But on Mother's Day 2016 my life changed forever when I saw that Chico State had taken a chance on me. I was going to get my Bachelors degree in one of the most prestigious universities on the west coast.
Being honest here, I knew nothing about Chico. Just that they had my major and the website looked really organized. I figured that was a good sign. Once I was accepted and saw the amazing red brick campus with my own eyes I knew that it was where I was meant to be. Every event in the past year had lead me to there. Now I will FINALLY be moving 7 hours away from home and doing what for the first time in forever FEELS SO RIGHT.
Today I started packing up my room and I guess this has lead to my nostalgic filled post. I think I just want something to look back on and remember this time in my life. In a few days I'll be going back up to Chico to sign my lease and meet my roommate who I love love love so much already. I have a job squared away and my classes picked out for the semester. It is going to be so challenging but I can't wait to have my degree in 2 years.
So thank you ex-boyfriend. Even though you were a real dick, I was never angry that we broke up. You saw something I wasn't able to see about myself. I do miss your friendship and wonder how you are sometimes. Without you I do not think I would be where I am in life at the moment. I really think you would love Chico which makes me a little bit sad when I know you'll never see it. But it's time for me to start a new chapter of my life on a clean slate.
Here's to the next big adventure!
XOXO,
Jen
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