Going the distance

"My boyfriend lives in Nevada and it is just so hard. I don't know how you do it Jen"

When the people I sit next to in class ask me about the guy in the photo set as my wallpaper, I try to keep it as short as possible. I say he's my boyfriend, they ask how we met, and out comes the story. 95% of the time, I can predict exactly what questions you are going to ask me. I don't mind of course. This all happens because of how proud I am to call my boyfriend mine and share our story. So I try to smile and nod my head and sympathize as you tell me that the person you're dating lives 4 hours away.

At least you live in the same timezone. You won't deal with ridiculous charges on your phone bill when he calls you just to remind you he loves you.

But I do.

People are genuinely curious to know what it's like. I remember being 13 years old and watching What a Girl Wants and wishing so badly to be Amanda Bynes, running around London with cute boys. Silly teenage me...

This list should probably be retitled to "What happens when you're 20 years old and come from a small California town and date a guy from England". But they say to write about what you know, and I know this pretty well. I'm sure a handful of you do too.

People wonder if I'm being catfished. As if we found each other on the internet and have never met and my boyfriend is actually a 55 year old pedophile living in a mobile home park with his mother in Kentucky. Technically we did meet on Facebook, but that's only because I'm adorable and Max just had to get to know me before camp.

I've had some wonder if he's lived in America, and I'm just being pretentious and saying he's English.

"Wait, so does he say things weird? Like trainers and mum?"
It's not weird, you get used to it.

I get the occasional shaking of the head, pity looks from older people thinking I'm making such a huge mistake. The really curious ones even ask how I do it.

What they don't ask is if I'm happy. They always assume I'm not.
I have never answered any questions about him, except the ones that have to do with his nationality.
No one wants to know about the sweet little things, but they will gladly listen to any negativity I could give them.

I will never say that this is easy. But with him, it is the easiest choice I've ever made.

None of you know how hard we work to keep each other involved in our daily lives. Not because we have to, but because we want to.

We stay up late and wake up early so we can get 5 extra minutes of hearing each others voices and sleep well/get through our day.

It's when we snapchat and realize I'm wearing a shirt that is almost identical to the one he has in England. We just have the same incredible taste in clothing.

Counting down the days to seeing each other and knowing after 10+ hours of traveling across an ocean and a continent, that someone you love will be waiting there with open arms.

Waking up in the morning and not being sure how I can get through the day and seeing a reminder that someone is out there who absolutely believes I can do anything, well that is just something I never want to live without.

This is so much more than going the distance.
This is going for my dreams and having my best friend holding my hand at the finish line.


So if you ever meet someone who is dating a person from another country, I encourage you to ask questions. But I also encourage you to remember that we don't do it because we have to, we do it because we want to.


Much love,
Jen

Why I made the same "mistake" twice

"You're so American!"

That's how it started. No "once upon a time" or flashes of lightening. Nothing like you would imagine a blog worthy story to start with.  If I'm being completely honest then I would have to admit that it started with Max commenting on some bratty status I put on Facebook back in April, not very exciting either. But I like to say it started about 2 months later in the dinning hall. When I was too scared to approach him but we crossed paths near the door and I did what I just thought I should do, I hugged him. And he finally realized how horribly American I am.

I could go on and on about our summer. But that really isn't what this is about.

This wasn't supposed to happen. After this past year of dealing with depression and an unhealthy relationship, and just trying to find some happiness in my life, I wanted to go back to camp and see my kids. No boys and especially none with an accent. There was no way in hell I was going to have a repeat of last year.

Yet here I am. But what some of you don't understand is that even though my situation is very similar to where I was last year, it is 100% absolutely different than I ever imagined it could be. So I'm not exactly sure what to say when a friend casually texts me and says "so....you have an English boyfriend...again?" Because I feel your judgement radiating through my phone screen and I really don't feel like I should have to defend my decisions.

We never planned on this happening. In fact we agreed from day one that we would part ways in August and remember what a great summer we had. Then came the walks along the lake, the days off in the Delaware river, the changing of flights, traveling together, tears and laughs and sharing things we have never shared with anyone else before. This was nothing like I had experienced before. Not last year, not ever.

I'm sure some of you say things about me like I only date guys who are British or that I can't manage to find a guy in my hometown so I have to do long distance. I didn't fall for Max because of where he's from. I did it because he is one of the smartest men I have ever met. He is so kind and treats me like I'm royalty, even when I don't deserve it. I have never been afraid to say what's on my mind and even a continent and ocean apart, this is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. We talk about the future and traveling the world together, even though it's forever away and the odds are against us.

I wouldn't be going through this if I wasn't happy. And every single night I go to sleep with a smile. Which I can 100% for a fact say is not how I was feeling this time last year. I am not naive and I am aware that the chances of a happily ever after are slim. But I don't care. Because today I am happy. And if that ever changes I know it's time to move on.

I may look back on this a year from now and cringe but I also may look back and smile. I am just so thankful to have met someone who as made me realize what I deserve in life. All the events in my life have led me to my best friend and someone who I care so deeply for. I know this path leads to long periods of dealing with an 8 hour time difference, missed birthdays and holidays, thousands of dollars in plane tickets, tearful goodbyes, and very difficult decisions down the road. But it also leads to unlimited amounts of happiness, a supporter in every decision I make, back rubs, many stamps in my passport, and opportunities I wouldn't be capable of on my own.

Now instead of wondering why I made this "mistake" again, I hope you all realize that this is no silly game.

I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Much love,
Jen

How I learned to create my own happiness

One year ago, I was a completely different person. Extremely depressed, clinging to the idea that there was only one person out there who could make me happy. That really didn't get me very far.

I spent a lot of time by myself, blaming others for my problems. The reason I was living at home with no friends in an unhealthy relationship wasn't my fault, it was caused by anyone else but me. I spent a lot of time thinking this way and it wasn't the healthiest way to live my life.

If I'm being honest, my situation from last year hasn't changed much. I'm still living at home. I don't have many friends. I'm getting back into my normal routine after having the most incredible summer of my life. Trying not to become overwhelmed by the sadness that still hits me when I think about the most tearful goodbye at an airport I've ever had.

My situation hasn't changed, but I have.

I've learned that sometimes the easier decision isn't always the best one in the long run. 

If you want to travel the world, you can't sit at home and wonder why you aren't going anywhere.

Never let the fear of seeing someone you don't like stop you from going back to the place you love.

It's okay to be sad, its not okay to wallow in a dark room for 2 weeks straight.

If you love someone, you let them go when you need to.

It might seem contradictory to say that there was someone out there who taught me how to be happy on my own. But everyday I am thankful that my life has led me to someone who was able to make me see that I can do anything I want. Life isn't easy and I know I'm going to face so many roadblocks in the near future. If I can get through what this past year has handed to me I know that I can get through anything. 

I'm excited to see where my writing, traveling, and life leads me to in the next year.

Much love,

Jen

The summer is magic

You're sitting in your room. 

Alone. Like, extremely alone.

Pretty depressed. 

You have one thing that makes you happy. And it's 8 weeks at a beautiful place in Glen Spey, NY. 

Here's the challenge. The one person you don't want to see on this planet will be standing on the sidelines the entire time.

I could of easily said no fucking way am I going through that. I've been through enough. 

But then I think of my campers, who text me begging me to be their counselor again. I think of my best friend who is going to experience the magic that camp creates for the first time. I think of the counselors in my bunk that become my best friends (literally) in the entire world. 

I think of the boy that catches your eye at the beginning of camp. And even though it's only for 8 weeks, nothing can take away the feeling of kissing in the New York rain and watching the stars by the boating dock.

I can sit here and tell you how awkward it is to have your ex boyfriend stare at you constantly. But it isn't about that. It's about dancing in the social hall with aching feet with your new friends from around the world. It's about an Irish guy grabbing you and spinning you around in front of a circle of people. It's about being so tired at the end of the day, but doubling that feeling in happiness.

I can't believe I almost missed this.

I hope all of you are having half as much fun as I am this summer.

Much love,

Jen

What I miss when I'm away from home

Officially one week before I leave for New York City. And 11 days until I'm wearing my staff shirt, greeting new counselors before we get on the bus to camp. It feels like just yesterday I was in the middle of Manhattan, surrounded by drunk Brits, crying my eyes out because that was the last time I was going to see majority of those people.

Here we are 10 months later! My stuff is pretty much packed, I have my things ready to be shipped to camp, and I am just as nervous as I was last year.

Obviously we know I love camp. Otherwise I wouldn't be putting myself through this again. But it's the hardest job I'll ever love. I'm not the type to pretend here. Going away from home and basically away from the outside world for 2 months can be difficult. There is a lot of things I'm going to miss.

Waking up whenever I want is one thing that does not happen at camp. I'm up at 7 am for 8 weeks straight. Even on my days off I don't get to sleep in. Those sweet little campers of mine think it's funny to ask me to brush their hair and get their clothes when I'm trying to hibernate. I'm flattered they want me to do it, but ughhhhhh!!!!

Hot Cheetos don't exist in New York. They can't handle the spicy.

Big Bertha (my car) is terribly missed during camp. The taxi service is horrendous and not dependable. And last year some people with cars left me and a few others stranded on the side of the road. I really hope I have a day off with a nice person with a car. I'll give you all my hot cheetos that get sent to camp.

I miss my dogs a lot during camp.

My hair misses the dry heat of California. We don't do well with humidity. But its camp, hair and make up are the last priority.

Bacon. Kosher camp problems.

Real Mexican food is not real Mexican food outside of Southern California and Mexico. I crave posole on rainy camp days.

Starbucks. Oh and In n Out.

Going to bed whenever I want. You're tired? Oh but you're on OD and can't go to sleep until a counselor from the bunk you're watching comes back. Which could be midnight. And when you aren't on OD, you're going to want to stay out of the bunk as long as possible because it's what you've looked forward to all day long. Especially those long romantic walks down to boating!! Can't give that up for sleep!!

Here's the thing. I would gladly give all that up for just a few more days with my kids at the end of the summer. Yeah us counselors have our moments, where we sit on our beds and gossip with each other about what we miss from home. But when your campers won't let you leave the bunk without a hug goodnight, or when they beg you to be their counselor next year, it is all worth it. Camp is a magical place that makes you realize things about yourself that you didn't think were possible.


10 days before I'm on this crazy journey once again.

Much love,
Jen

How not to tinder part II

One day I'm going to write about really powerful things. I'm going to change the world if you all haven't realized it. And I'm going to have extremely intellectual conversations about what I write with intelligent friends while drinking coffee at Urth Café. 

Today is not that day. 

I've talked about many things in my blog. And out of all my posts, my most popular has been "How not to tinder". You sick people love seeing creepy guys harass me on the internet. And you know what? I went right back and did it all over again. This time more creepy than ever before. 

So with that ladies and gentleman, I give you How Not To Tinder Part II

1. Giving small children alcohol

Is this supposed to be funny? Because my maternal instincts are telling me to call child protective services. Oh but at least we have a cooking show in common!!! What a keeper. 

2. What?

No but really what just happened?

3. Excessive messaging

You know a "hi how are you?" would of been fine. One message at a time boys, please!!!!

4. Photos of dead animals are a "no"

Welcome to America. Are girls actually impressed by this? I don't know if I want to throw up or cry. That poor baby coyote!!!! Take your murder elsewhere. 

5. Proper grammar is a must

I'd like to be able to understand what you're saying

6. Keep it classy

I wonder if he came up with that one himself. And if any girls out there genuinely found it funny. 

7. Pickup lines are stupid!

I hate them. So much. They aren't funny!!! And even worse is that he used the word "swerve". At least he left before it got worse. 

8. Keep it real

Your pink shirt makes me concerned. And then you had to make it really weird. I don't know, I just get a creepy vibe from any guy who wants to drink peach moscato and watch a chick flick. 

9. I don't hook up!!!!!!!!!

There you have it boys and girls. I never want to do this again.

I really need to meet a normal guy soon....

Much love,

Jen

Worst week ever

Unable to sleep, I'm going to write a rambling post about nothing in particular to anyone else. But then again this blog was originally intended for that and I could honestly care less what anyone thinks. 

First off my heart is breaking after finding out that in fact I did know one of the victims of the events that took place in Isla Vista this past Friday. What hurts the most is that I cannot be there to support my friends as they try to go back to normalcy. It's been almost a year since I left Isla Vista, but it will always be a part of me and the stories I share. I am so sick of going on Facebook and seeing senseless comments and rude remarks and the Elliot Rodgers fan page. But this is beyond my control and I must do what I can from home. 

The worst part of growing up isn't paying bills or taxes, it's realizing what a terrifying place the world is. 

If any UCSB/SBCC friends are reading this, please know I am thinking about you all and wishing I could be there to rebuild the community that has been so amazing to us. I love you all and I know Peaches will be remembered in us all. 

I wrote a blog about dating last week. And I have found a new source of happiness in a new friend. Until I received this message this morning. 

Oh how I would of loved to not crop her name out, but as an aspiring professional something someday, I decided to protect some identities. I have never met this girl in my life. She is *presumably* the ex girlfriend of the guy I've hung out with 3 TIMES! And I get a message like this? Normally I would blow it off but after this past week I am on an emotional roller coaster. 

This girl knows absolutely nothing about me. Yet she would go out of her way to say something so hurtful? She has no idea what I've been through or what kind of person I am. Why are girls so vicious? I'm not out to hurt anyone or be mean! And I'm truly sorry she's so upset with me but c'mon is that the way to handle it? 

Girls are psychotic at times. But boys aren't so innocent either. Like my clingy ex who doesn't seem to understand that "STOP MESSAGING ME IM NOT YOUR FRIEND" truly means to stop talking to me. How many times will I have to go without responding to him before he understands? Oh and when will he stop asking my friends questions about me trying to get more information about what I'm up to? Frankly it's pathetic and annoying. You had your chance buddy. Let it go. 

Only 2 more weeks of school and 3 more weeks until I am finally free from this stupid town and I'll be eating $1 pizza in Central Park. Can't wait to see my kids from last summer, those crazy ones who make me pull my hair out and cry with laughter in a matter of 30 seconds. 

I just have to stay strong. 

Much love,

Jen

We need gun control, and we need it now

Last night I was scrolling through Instagram. A friend had posted a transcript from police, talking about a shooting in Isla Vista. A student from my former college had killed 6 people at one of the most popular spots in IV.

I don't want to talk about it. I feel like every time someone shares a story about it on Facebook, this monster who did this is just being glorified and spreading his evil deed that much farther.

I miss Isla Vista with everything inside of me. I miss the beach. I miss constantly being surrounded by friends. I miss dancing until my feet hurt and laughing until I cried. Walking to Starbucks and studying for finals with a view of the ocean.

It could of easily been one of my friends.

It could of been me.

Not like this is the first mass shooting in American history. Not even the first school shooting. Yet nobody does a fucking thing to stop it.

What if it was your best friend? What if it was your brother or sister? Or your child? Are you still going to tell me you don't believe we need gun control reform?

I don't understand it. How people can look at me and say "the founding fathers of this country wrote the constitution and declared it my right to bare arms!!"

When they wrote the constitution, mentally ill people were not taking guns and killing masses of innocent people! A parent didn't have to worry about sending their child to school. A psychotic man didn't go into a movie theater and start murdering people. But now? You never know when or how it'll happen.

I'm not trying to take your gun from you, I'm trying to get it out of the wrong hands.

You have to take a test to drive a car, why can't we have evaluations to own a gun? Why can't we do SOMETHING to protect innocent lives?

I love being American. But today I am sad to associate myself with such a scary place.

Much love,
And many thoughts to the victims and families of the shooting in Isla Vista,
Jen

Dating is the worst

I am the queen of bad dates. As I have wrote in previous blogs, I haven't been surrounded by the nicest guys. I always blamed it on the types of guys in my home town, immaturity, or my bad taste. For the first time ever, I've had a really great date. Where I didn't feel uncomfortable or insecure. I smiled until my face hurt and I genuinely felt like he who shall remain nameless really enjoyed being around me. So since my blog is just full of embarrassing stories, here's another cringeworthy walk down the memory lane of terrible dates.

My first boyfriend wasn't a very nice guy. But being 15 I couldn't really make logical decisions when it came to boys. It was my 16th birthday and he said he would take me out to dinner. A few days earlier I had gotten $100 from my dad as a birthday present which was a huge deal for me at 16.  Boyfriend #1 knew I had gotten the money as a gift. We went to dinner and as soon as he ordered everything on the menu, he decided to tell me he left his wallet at home. Now I don't believe in the idea that the guy has to pay for everything. But it was my birthday dinner. If he was just honest with me and told me when he picked me up it wouldn't of been that big of a deal. I had to spend almost all my birthday money on that meal.

A few months later with Boyfriend #1, he attempted to redeem himself. My mom who obviously knew more than me at the time, didn't really trust this guy. She was always really strict with me but she was getting a bit ridiculous. She wanted to know where we were going, what Boyfriend #1's truck looked like, what time we would be there etc. Flash forward to us sitting in a booth by a window. I look up and I see my mom driving by really slowly and waving at us. She drove to the restaurant to make sure we were actually where we said we would be. Talk about an embarrassing date.

My senior year was spent talking to an old friend who was in the marines so we will call him Marine Man. He was deployed to Afghanistan and I really enjoyed sending him letters and care packages and when I finally got a phone call after weeks without hearing from him it seriously felt like Christmas. Marine Man had a lot of issues though. And he drank a lot once he got back to America. He was supposed to come home after his deployment and we had all these plans that seemed to be falling a part. I finally just stood up for myself and he "agreed" to take me to my favorite sushi place. I was so unbelievably nervous. My anxiety was through the roof and Marine Man could probably tell. About 10 minutes after sitting down I really didn't feel good and I must have looked it too. I ran off to the bathroom and tried to calm down and not puke. I felt better and came back to Marine Man asking me if I was pregnant. I definitely wasn't since I just spent 9 months talking to a guy on the other side of the world. He payed for dinner, dropped me off, never spoke to me again, and married my best friend from kindergarten. Good riddance!

One weekend I came home from college and decided to hangout with a guy I became friends with at a bar before I moved to Santa Barbara. This guy was already kind of a jerk and we will refer to him as Air Force Guy (don't judge this pattern, this is what happens when you live near a military base). He would call me when I was at school and ask when I'd be home so I finally gave him a chance when I was on break. Air Force Guy brought his Air Force friend who brought this slutty looking girl to dinner. And by dinner I mean Buffalo Wild Wings while the guys drank and screamed at whatever game was on. I'm about 4 years younger than everyone and it was just so uncomfortable. I then had to follow Air Force Guy to the movies where I paid for my ticket to see some GI Joe movie I really didn't want to see. I kept my mouth shut even though the guys didn't while rating every girl who showed up on the screen. Longest night of my life.

Dating in college is really weird. Especially if the guy lives right down the hall from you and sees you in the dinning hall, hung over with last nights make up still on, struggling to order an omelet. This guy was really nice. Like bring me frozen yogurt on a bad day kind of nice. And since girls always get crap for putting guys in the friend zone, I really wanted to give him a chance. He drove us to this really nice Mexican place in town and kept talking about how dinner was going to be on him. I appreciated it! But I really wanted to talk about other things. Dinner was just thoroughly awkward and in his car on the way back to the dorms he asked me to be his girlfriend. In fear that he might crash the car if I said no, I told him yes. It obviously didn't last long but the situation was a nightmare.

This isn't technically a first date, but a horror story in avoiding a first date. We'll call him DJ because I met him when he was a DJ at a party my roommate and I were at. He was pretty nice and invited me back to his place where there was a lot more free alcohol for this crazy party girl. I gave him my number and went home alone. We texted a bit and DJ asked me to go out with him for Valentines day. I said sure but as the day got closer I realized I really wasn't comfortable with it. DJ did not take it very well. The next weekend he saw me at a party and followed me out with a group of his friends. Begged me to go back to his place to talk to him. He locked his door, keeping my friends out and offering them money to leave us alone. He had a vase of dead flowers he had saved that were apparently supposed to be mine. And he went on and on about how he rented out an entire restaurant on State St for us and I bailed. What a psycho. I got out of there and never saw the guy again.



To say I've been on some rough dates is obviously a joke. Even though I'm only twenty, there have been plenty of times where I felt like the only girl who goes through this crap and I'm going to have to settle for some loser who saves dead flowers. But the truth of the matter is that you never know when somebody who is genuinely nice will walk into your life. I guess through all of this I've realized that when it comes to dating, it's important to give people a chance but to always trust your gut. You may be surprised in who can restore your faith in humanity.

Much love,
Jen

Why is someone being gay "breaking news"

If you own a computer, phone, internet connection, or a television in America, I'm sure you've heard of Michael Sam. Voted SEC co-defensive player of the year, Michael is making headlines by being the first openly gay male to be drafted into the NFL. The Saint Louis Rams have shook up American football in a big way.

As a traveler and reader, I find it interesting to hear the perception of America from others. Even as an American and former cheerleader who had plenty of time under the Friday night lights, there is always a stereotype with sports. Big huge burly men screaming at the television for a fumble or something. Lots of beer, lots of yelling, lots of being an American. Nothing wrong with that, and this does not apply to everyone.

Being gay is such a huge issue in America. These big huge American guys who clutch their guns under their pillow at night, in fear that Obama will take it away from them, generally seem to have an issue with the same gender being in a relationship. They believe gay marriage should not be legalized and there is no place for it in their favorite sport.

Yes, this is America. There are many people here who still fly their confederate flag high in the air and believe the Holocaust never even happened. When a celebrity comes out, it is a giant commotion. My god, when Ellen Page came out it was all I saw for a solid week. There is a new show on Mtv called "Faking It" and the entire story line is based around pretending to be a lesbian. Why does our society believe being gay is that interesting?

You like girls with blue eyes? Awesome! You like guys with southern accents? Fantastic! You like someone of the same gender? Congrats! Why is it such a big deal?

I don't spend hours discussing how I like European guys. Why should we spend hours discussing someone else's relationship in any way shape or form? It doesn't matter if you agree with that persons views or not. Unless what you're doing is going to hurt me or affect me in some way, it doesn't matter.

I hope if I have kids someday, being gay won't be such a big deal. Where it's just part of somebody's life. Not breaking news. Michael Sam should be making headlines for being the amazing athlete he is, not because he is in a relationship with another man. Ellen Page should be holding press conferences for the amazing work she does, not to announce she is gay. Because it doesn't matter. The sun will still rise tomorrow. I'll get in my car and drive to Starbucks. Study for a test and check the stats on my blog. All while having an openly gay player in the NFL.

Life will still go on.

Much love,
Jen

Putting the broken pieces together, but it's okay.

Today I had a moment of clarity. I looked in the mirror as I was trying on my outfit for the 4th of July at camp this year (any counselor knows how vital this is) and I knew I was going to be okay.

I'll be okay when my birthday comes next week and I'm sad because it'll be spent at home all by myself.

I'll be okay being away from home again for 2 months this summer.

I'll be okay when people talk about me.

I'll be okay when I have to say goodbye to my new friends, when it will be the last time I ever see most of them.

I'll be okay when I'm stuck living at home for another semester with barely any friends.

I'm going to be okay.

I have been through some serious bullshit since last August. A car accident, a kidney stone, having my self esteem ripped to absolute pieces, working a job I hated, watching my dreams go down the drain. This has been the hardest year of my life. But here I am.

It took a long time for me to realize that I didn't do anything to deserve the cards I've been handed. I still wonder where my camera crew is sometimes because there's no way this hasn't been manipulated by some producers from Mtv. But oh no, this is real life.

There was one person who used to do nothing but point out my flaws. I've mentioned some things that have been said before, like telling me my shorts are too short and laughing at me and wishing me luck when I was going to Europe. I spent quite a bit of time wishing that this person would come back when it was all just poisonous for me.

Like I wasn't aware of my flaws? Not like every morning my mirror reminds me I have the proportions of a middle schooler and short stumpy legs. I know I'm sensitive and cry easily. This is something I deal with on a daily basis. Don't remind me that I'm spoiled, because you don't know what I've gone through to get the things I have. I'm loud, and I'm obnoxious. But who would notice this midget if I was just another wall flower? I'm indecisive and I may not figure out what to do with my life until I'm 45. But that is just who I am.

Maybe this person couldn't realize that I'm smart. I could get an A in any class if I really tried. I love to read and I love to write and maybe that's what I'll do when I'm a grown up. I may be sensitive, but just about anything can make me smile. You can call me spoiled, but I will never say no when someone needs anything from me. My loud mouth makes me who I am. I'm friendly and I have no problem speaking my mind in front of a crowd of people.

I'm awkward and I make mistakes. I am not perfect by any means and I will never pretend that I am. But shouldn't I have people in my life who like me despite my flaws? Who don't mind that I'm still working on putting the broken pieces together?

If anyone is reading this that knows what it's like to care about someone who does nothing but rip you apart, I hope you find that you aren't alone. There will be people out there who roll their eyes at you as you try to find a way to cope. Your mind and heart stay conflicted for a while. Some days are great, others you have a hard time getting out of bed. You aren't alone in the struggle.

One day you'll wake up and the light bulb will go off in your head and you'll realize that you deserve way more than whatever your person is giving to you. You will become stronger and they won't like it. But they didn't like anything about you in the first place right? I can't tell you when this day will come. Maybe you'll be like me and be dancing around in your room, planning outfits for summer camp, you'll see yourself in the mirror and remember that you'll be okay.

I'm going to be okay.

Much love,
Jen

How not to Tinder

Tinder. The "cool" way to online date. I decided to get one purely for blogging purposes. For those of you who don't know what the app is, it's pretty simple. You link your Facebook account, choose a few pictures for your profile, write something witty about yourself, and start swiping. "Matches" are shown for you to swipe left for nope and right for yes. You can set an age range and distance range for your matches. Their profile also shows if you have any mutual friends or similar likes on Facebook. 

I will never meet someone from this site. And after you see what some of these guys say, you'll understand why. If you're a guy who uses tinder, please please please listen to what I have to say to avoid being shamed on the internet. 

1. The drunk guy

Yeah. What am I supposed to say to that? I don't care that you drink but what else am I supposed to talk to you about knowing that you're under the influence of alcohol? No. Don't do this. 

2. Stupid pick up lines

Not only did this guy use an idiotic line, but then he tried to insult me because I didn't like it. I start to wonder how many girls he has used this line on. Sorry Josh, I'm not damaged because you're not good at talking to girls. 

3. Ew

Okay so not only are you asking me something irrelevant to getting to know me, you then admit that you use it multiple times. Yeah I'm definetly not a bot! And I'm not going to respond to you either. I start to wonder what kind of girls say naughty and then I start to throw up so let's not think too much about that. 

4. I'm not sexy and I don't hook up

I was not flattered by this at all. But I decided to keep going because I figured he would say something blog worthy and he sure did! What kind of person would say yes to that?? I don't even know you! And saying "aw" like I'm going to feel bad and change my mind? Gross. BYE!!!

5. Don't be Javi

No explanation necessary

Bottom line: tinder is gross and I don't like it at all. 

Stay classy guys!

Much love,

Jen

Can you tell me what makes you happy?

I feel like my past few posts have been a bit negative. It's okay, it happens. I keep it real on here. But I think it's time for some positivity. What makes you happy? It doesn't matter if it's something materialistic like a pair of shoes or something sentimental like time with family. We all should have a list of things that make us smile. Could you do that? It takes some thinking, at least for me. But I did come up with a short list of things that make me a happy little Jen.


Not having a kid
Oh boy does this make me happy!! Some may disagree, but I think wiping poop out of someones ass crack at 4 am is my definition of rock bottom. I can barely keep myself alive, let alone a little person who would scream at me when I'm trying to get my groove on with my friends on a Saturday night. A miniature me is my version of hell. Yay for not having to deal with that!

Tulips
Every girl has a favorite flower. I've only gotten them once but it was a very happy moment. Another reason why I'm so in love with Amsterdam. They are everywhere! Love love love them!

Starbucks
Anyone who snapchats me is aware of the problem I have. I go a minimum of 4 times a week. I have over $100 in gift cards and I have to maintain gold status so there is no reason for me not to stop and get a delicious caffeinated beverage. 9 times out of 10, I will pass by a Starbucks when I'm going somewhere. A happy tummy is a happy Jen.

My campers
Yeah you all know camp makes me happy. But did I really explain why I'm going back? My kids from last year fill me up with so much happiness. The love you feel when you have 7 kids yelling at you because you're about to leave the bunk without a hug goodnight and making sure each one is tucked in nice and tight is pretty amazing. Not a day went by without crying tears of laughter. I wish I could tell you some of the things they said but it's not even appropriate for my blog. I miss them so much. Every day is just another day closer to being back to the happy place.

Tequila
I'm keeping it real here, remember?

A good book turned into a movie
Am I the only one who is excited about The Fault in Our Stars coming out? At least from the previews it seems like they're staying really close to the storyline and it won't make me too upset. I read the book in Amsterdam, which is where they go in the book/movie. So I'm kind of partial to this. It makes me happy to see an authors hard work put to life.

Parks and Recreation
If you aren't watching this show then you're a failure and I need you to leave this blog and come back when you finish season one. Amy Poehler is a goddess. Can I be her when I grow up? When in doubt, I always blame Jerry! DAMN IT JERRY! Seriously go watch so you know what I'm talking about.

Ordering things online
This is something I need to really stop doing because at this rate I'm going to be in NYC living off $1 pizza this summer. Even though I have the patience of an 8 year old and check my shipment tracking twice a day, when it finally comes its like a mini Christmas!! I love it and I do it all over again.

My blog
I never thought I would enjoy this as much as I do. I look forward to coming up with something new to write about and talking about it with you guys. There is no better feeling than when someone tells me they enjoy my writing. Although I write about a lot of silly things, a lot of personal things go into it as well. I still get nervous every time I hit the share button. But the views go up and up with every day and nothing makes me happier than knowing that someone can relate to what I'm writing about.


I hope with the negativity we face every day, that you find a little happiness here and pass the love along to someone who needs it.

Much love,
Jen

I can't be friends with you!!

At what point will they see that enough is enough?

We all have the case of the clingy ex. The one we can't seem to just get rid of. The reason Facebook created the option to block people.

They may have hurt you. Or maybe you hurt them. Either way I'm sure in 99% of these cases someone didn't make it out unscathed. We have all been on one side or the other at some point.

I don't know your situation. And if you've read my previous blogs then you can probably piece mine together. American girl meets a foreign guy....blah blah blah. The details don't matter.

I've never been the type of girl to be friends with my ex. I just can't do it. Maybe because all the guys I've dated end up being extremely scummy. Sex offenders, playboy military types, leaving me frantic with a $850 plane ticket. Not exactly the warm and fuzzy feelings leading to a friendship.

There is nothing wrong with this. And I'm sick of being told there is!

There is a difference between being civil, and wanting to be friends. When I'm being civil, I'm not going out of my way to remind you what a piece of shit you are. I don't mind you being friends with my friends. I don't freak out when you message MY MOM and bug her asking how I'm doing. I keep my mouth shut.

No. It is not okay that you like the pictures I'm tagged in on Facebook, follow me on instagram, or try to be my friend on snap chat.

My social media outlets? Those are for my friends. The ones who I trust. The amazing people I have scattered around the world. I want to share my lives with them and I want to see theirs as well. When you hurt me, you lose that privilege.

Some people don't like this. They don't like that you take a stand. They aren't okay with no longer being a part of your life. They will tell you that you're immature. That you just need to move on.

But they don't see that this is you moving on! This is you taking a stand and not letting them make a difference in your life anymore. This is you realizing that they don't deserve any of those rights.

I don't want to catch up with you. I don't want to see your updates and pictures. They don't matter to me. You are no longer my friend!

What do they expect? Is your ex girlfriend trying to see that you aren't going out every weekend? Is your ex boyfriend trying to figure out if you're still sad? What made them believe that they still had that right?

They don't. They have no right. And they can't let us feel bad for moving on and not putting up with it anymore.

So if he wants to call me names? Fine. Bug my family and friends? Go for it. Get mad at me when I ask him to please stop? That's cool. It doesn't change anything. I am just that much more thankful that you did what you did.

At the end of the day, your actions give my blog the fuel I need to keep it going. You would probably think it's stupid anyways, which only motivates me that much more. So next time you see me, don't drop your jaw and don't stare. This blonde hair and tan skin doesn't miss you at all.

Much love (or kiss my ass),
Jen

10 things you probably don't know about me

I've hit my first hard case of writers block. Every blog post, I tell myself I'm going to write about something important like feminism and other mature adult things. And then I laugh at myself and remember that I am a child. So I write about the things I know. Camp, Los Angeles, Traveling. I think I want to take this time to write about one of the things I know best: myself. Get to know me just a little bit better and learn some random things you probably didn't know.

1. When I was 9 I had my birthday party at a roller rink. I fell right before I opened presents and broke my wrist. Except my mom didn't believe me and said I was fine. I wouldn't shut up about it so I finally got to go the doctor. They said I was fine too. Well that weekend my mom got a call saying they read the X-ray wrong, my wrist was broken and I had to come in for a cast. My mom always took me seriously when I was hurt after that.

2. I got my car a few months into my senior year. Not even 12 hours after having it, I drove it to school and hit one of the poles holding up the solar panels covering the parking lot. I was so embarrassed I didn't tell anyone. There's a sexy scrape about the size of my hand on my bumper. Nobody knew where I got it until now.

3. I was born on Friday the 13th. Anyone in my family would agree that it makes a lot of sense.

4. When I was going to school in Santa Barbara, I got hit on by a midget. A real live little person. His name was Paul and he really wanted to know what bus I was waiting for. Glad we weren't on the same one because he was extremely creepy.

5. My best friend from kindergarten married my ex boyfriend and all I can think about is how thankful I am that I dodged that bullet.

6. I was in a music video and it was really embarrassing so I won't saw who it was for. They were an MTV featured artist and the scene was at a crazy house party. I had to chug milk in a contest against some guy. I'm allergic to milk and had to try not to puke in front of 40+ people. It was not worth my 15 minutes of fame.

7. My first real boyfriend ended up being a registered sex offender for sleeping with his younger step sister. Not something I should of had to deal with at 16 years old.

8. My great great uncle was one of the original creators of the Superman comics. I never met the guy but the comic book nerds like that fact.

9. I almost died at camp last summer. I got my belly button pierced in the back of a hair salon in this sketchy gross town. 4 hours later and I'm still gushing blood. I finally go to the health center where I'm trying not to have a panic attack and pass out. They got the piercing out and the bleeding to stop. I have a cute scar and my campers text me asking "so how is your belly button?" all the time. Never again...

10. My mom was my teacher in the 5th grade. A lot of people ask me if she favored me. Exact opposite. One day she switched our desks around and she made me sit next to this gross boy who had a crush on me. I was so pissed off I wrote "HELP ME" in big letters in my notebook and held it straight up so she could see it. She just laughed at me and kept on teaching.


Do we all feel like we know me a little bit better now? I shall be back and stirring up chaos asap!

Much love,
Jen

The camp blog

Are any of you surprised? We all knew this one was coming at some point or another.

I had my first camp experience in the 6th grade. I got to go to "science" camp with my class. But being the California babe that I am, this was no ordinary camp. Hidden in the hills of Malibu sits a beautiful Jewish summer camp. This camp is used by Los Angeles County Outdoor Science School during the school year to give kids a learning experience outside the classroom. Lessons were either on the beach, near the creek, or up the huge Ice Cream Mountain!!

I was just happy to be away from my parents for 5 days and playing on the beach with my friends. Although it was technically school, we did have a lot of summer camp similarities. My cabin leader would braid my hair, we ate in the dinning hall, and at the end of the week we had a camp dance where I chased the boys around under the limbo stick (sorry, not sorry). The 5 days went by fast and I was back home at the end of the week.

I discovered my summer camp on my own. I met a girl at a relatives party and she actually went to the Jewish summer camp my science camp was held at. She loved it and I knew I wanted to go. Google changed my life that weekend. I discovered an even more fun camp than the one she went to. Pali Overnight Adventures, a place more magical than Disneyland. And at $1500 a week, it damn well  should be. My dad went to summer camp as a kid and was on board right away. Mom soon joined the bandwagon and I was on my way to Pali.

My two summers at Pali were something I will never forget. I made friends I still keep in touch with today, I got my first taste of the British accent, and got to do things I could never do at home. Water balloon fights, mud wrestling, waking up at midnight to see the dining hall turned into Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory. I learned so many things at camp. Especially how to make friends and not care what anyone thinks. I tried things like water ski and zip lining. I even was part of the broadcast journalism team and we put together a news program for the camp every night. Thank god those videos are hidden somewhere deep in the internet.

I told myself I would come back as a counselor one day. But one day was just too far.

I went back to science camp for 2 years in a row as a cabin leader. It was a free trip to Malibu for a week and I got away from boring high school, and I had a ton of fun bringing my friends along for the journey.

Winter break during my freshman year of college, I was going absolutely insane being home. There was no way in hell I was going to do that for 3 months during the summer. I remembered that I was finally old enough to be a camp counselor at a real summer camp. I applied to be a counselor at Pali and a few other camps in the LA area.

Then it hit me. I would be 19 that summer, why do I want to be stuck near home when I could take the chance to travel somewhere I had never been. I spent about 5 solid days perfecting applications and applying to camps all over the east coast.

I heard back from 3 and set up interviews. My first one being Lokanda. They offered me a travel allowance and a pretty great salary. I accepted it without taking any other interviews. And I am so glad I did.

I will never forget my flight to New Jersey. My first time flying alone. I was so nervous, I couldn't eat anything all day. The rest of that day seems like a blur. I just remember getting to camp and it not feeling real. Finally seeing the friends I had talked to on Facebook for months and being back in the camp wild I loved so much as a kid. I do remember embarrassing myself singing my signature wagon song at the campfire that night. Wonder if I'll be that awkward again this summer.

Those 7 weeks went by so fast. And some days were much harder than others. Waking up at 7 am every single day and being a mommy for 7 kids is tough! But when the summer ends, the good outweighs the bad 10 times more. I became so close with my baby frosh. Closer than I ever could of imagined. I miss them more and more everyday. Thank god those kids have cell phones, I don't know what I would of done going through the winter not being able to talk to them.

The bond I made with not just my kids, but my other counselors, is something hard to explain. But I will try. Arleny, Steph, Julia, Hannah, Taylor, Ash, Mary-Lou, you ladies mean so much to me. Even though we're separated by countries and time zones, you are all so so so special to me. Most people have stories from the people they lived in their dorms with, I have stories from the bunks. Flashing each other, staying up late sneaking hot cheetos and laughing until we cry about the stupid stuff our kids said that day. Last summer was NOT easy. Crying from exhaustion or boys, I was never in it alone. I don't have many girlfriends a home. Maybe that's why camp is such a priority in my life. I'm finally given the chance to be able to surround myself with friends all the time. Thank you girls for being such a huge part of my camp experience and being the people I will call friends forever.

There were so many other people outside the frosh bunks who have made such an impact in my life. It would take forever, but you people know who you are. How lucky am I to know that no matter what time it is, there is always at least one friend I have in this world who is awake. A wise man who works at camp said something that stuck with me since the day he said it. A day is a week, a week is a month, a month is a year. Camp is 2 months long, but it feels like 2 years. That's why we all become so close with each other. When those days came where I wanted to quit, and didn't think I'd be able to make it through the summer, I realized how many amazing friends I was surrounded by and I knew I could get through it.

No where else in this world is it acceptable for me to roll out of bed and be ready for the day. I am 100% me at camp. No make up, no straightened hair, no fancy clothes. Just me and my kids. Learning to play tennis and eating our otter pops on the way to lake swim. Camp is Neverland for me. Where I'm allowed to expose my peter pan syndrome (although I'm more comparable to tinkerbell) and just be a kid. Growing up is not acceptable at camp. I will continue to hold on to that as long as I can.

I'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. After unfortunate events after camp, I tried to run away from some things. I figured going to Pali as a counselor would be much easier for me. This year I was offered an interview. But I declined because I thought my problem holding me back from going to Lokanda was long gone. Turns out, it's not. But that's okay. This summer will be challenging, but it will absolutely be worth it. Some of my closest friends from last summer are coming back. And I'm bringing my best friend from home to experience this journey with me. I've already made some great friends who I know will absolutely enjoy Skinners Falls with me this summer. It would be immature of me to let something so minuscule hold me back from having such a great experience. So I won't let that happen!

So to all my friends I made last summer, thank you for adding so many memories to the ones I had as a kid. There are days where the camp sick hits hard and I wish I could have all of you in sunny So Cal with me.  You guys know there is always a place here for you!

And if any newbies are reading this, brace yourself for the best experience you can ask for. There will be tough days. You will be exhausted and some mornings wonder why you signed up for this. Please know how important you are to these kids. Because at one point, I was one of them. You are now part of the memories these kids will never forget. Take every advantage that comes your way, wear crazy outfits and dance in the dining hall. Because before you know it, we all have to say goodbye.

Camp is such an important part of my life. I hope one day I am able to give the same experience to my own kids. But for now, I'll keep going back until they won't let me anymore. Camp makes life just a little bit easier. I wish everyone could experience just how much fun it is.

Much love,
Jen

What not to say to a Californian

I'm one of the lucky ones. Born and raised in the suburbs of Los Angeles. We're a unique breed of Americans. West is the best isn't it? Home of the film industry, beautiful people, and sunshine. No wonder everyone is curious about what this place is like. But sometimes the stereotypes are like, totally taken out of context. Planning on visiting some time? Tired of being a local subjected to the stereotype? Take a look at what you should never say to someone from California.

"If you're from California, why are you so pale?"
Yes, we have perfect weather 80% of the year. But unless you're a Kardashian, you don't spend every day all day laying by the pool or beach soaking up the sun. We work, go to school, and its usually indoors. Even though you don't think it's cold, we do wear pants and ugg boots in the winter. So excuse us for not fulfilling your image of being a tan goddess year round. We're working on it as soon as winter is over in February. Besides, some of us really care about avoiding skin cancer.

"Where are the famous people?"
Hiding. Far away from you.

"Californians are the worst drivers"
HAHAHA! No. You grow up trying to get into the city in bumper to bumper traffic. We are actually amazing drivers due to all the traffic we deal with. If you have an out of state license plate, we automatically assume you have no idea what you're doing. Hit the gas or get out of here!

"In n out is gross"
Buy yourself a plane ticket. I'm taking you to the airport and you can go back to wherever you came from. In n out is a gift from the gods delivered to us lucky west coasters and select parts of Texas. It's so simple and so unbelievably delicious. And if you're with the right person, us locals will even inform you of the hidden treasure of the secret menu. Chopped chillies, pickles, animal style, the options are endless. If you insult one of the best parts of California then you'll never belong here.

"Can we go to the walk of fame? Or that Chinese theater?"
Ugh. This is so hard for me to handle. As a traveler, I know how you feel the need to see the tourist attractions. I've been to times square and the Eiffel tower. And I would avoid them at all costs now. There is soooooooooooo much to do here!! Stars in the ground aren't that cool, I promise. Let me take you hiking through Runyon Canyon,  I'll show you where Venice Beach is, or see the amazing architecture of the Getty Museum. Please, anything but Hollywood Blvd.

"Do you know anyone famous?"
This depends on the person. Some people will name drop. Others will be thoroughly annoyed that you would ask that. With so much access to concerts and show tapings, any Californian can tell you some sort of run in story. Like my brother who works for Paramount almost ran Sandra Bullock over with a golf cart (sorry I name dropped). If someone is telling you that they're best friends with someone famous, 99% of the time they're lying. You've been warned.

"Why do you put avocado on everything?!"
Because California avocados are amazing!! Many people don't realize how much produce is grown throughout California. And it's suffering due to this awful drought we're in. Knowing that your fruits and vegetables were grown locally is a really great thing. If your avocado isn't from California, you're doing it wrong.

"You're from California? Do you live in Hollywood?"
Uh no. And I'm going to assume people in Northern California hate being asked that. California is such a huge state! There's more to us than LA and San Francisco. We're full of hidden gems if you're willing to look hard enough.

"Daisy dukes? Bikinis on top?"
This isn't a Katy Perry song. Bye.

"What's with all the Mexican food?"
One of my favorite parts of living in California is how much Mexican culture we have. I think it's something beautiful. I remember being in NYC and eating at a "Mexican" restaurant. No, never again! It tasted nothing like the real stuff. You want to experience California like a local? Find a small colorful place with words in Spanish on the outside. This does not include Taco Bell!!! If you go in and you're kind of scared you're going to get the runs, you're in the right place. Most of the time these places are run by families who cook this ridiculously amazing food as a way of life. It will change you forever. Stop asking questions and just eat. Por favor y gracias.

"Do you know how to surf?"
I live in the desert. I learned how to surf in Hawaii. I have just one friend who journeys out to the freezing water of the Pacific Ocean. So to answer your question, no, majority of us do not since not every one of us have beach front property....yet.

"Like dude we should like totally like hit up Santa Monica today. Those waves are hella crazy bro"
No Californian would ever say that. Except the Nor Cals and "hella" which makes us from So Cal crazy! If you said that to me, I would assume you're making fun of me. I will then show you the way to Compton in the middle of the night. We're not all beach bums and we don't say "dude" and "like" after every other word.

"Why is everyone a vegan?"
California is known for fresh, great food. And when you live somewhere with great weather, you want to look great since you'll be wearing shorts 2/3 of the year. So yes, many of us are pretty health conscious and are always coming up with new diet trends. But not all of us (remember in n out?). Just try the kale and quinoa before you talk smack.

"How do I find the metro station?"
We have a metro?

"California is amazing! I'm never leaving!"
And you wonder why we're one of the most populated states in America. I don't blame people who say that. I can never imagine living anywhere else long term. We're a unique place. You can go snowboarding and surfing in the same day if you'd like. It's completely acceptable to wear flip flops with a sweatshirt. We have so much culture and things to do. California is an incredible place.

Remember these things when you're talking to someone from California. We are proud of where we come from and will be glad to show you the ways of our land if you ask nicely!

Much love,
Jen

7 things I will never understand

Today has been a tough day for me. Some days the depression I've been fighting off since September creeps back up on me. So I give myself a day to just sleep and let my mind over think every little thing. Tomorrow I will wake up and it will be a new day with a new outlook. But for now I need some time to be a little sad. When this happens, I spend a lot of time trying to get a grasp on situations in my life that I just do not understand. And although there are some things that not even a blog can answer for me, I was struck with inspiration to share some things I'm sure none of us understand.

Homeschooling
This is directed towards kids who never have any socialization with any other kids who aren't home schooled. I understand the flaws in our education system. But why would you set your child up for a life where they are unable to follow social cues and work with a group of adults? School is more than writing and math. We learn so many things that are necessary for life. Conflict resolution, over coming fear and social anxiety, as well as making friends and working with others. When I worked at a pottery studio we had a home school day where a group from a homeschooling program came in to paint at a discount. I think out of the 40 kids that came, 3 of them said please and thank you and made eye contact with me. The parents weren't much better to be completely fair.

I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who were home schooled and are fully functioning members of society. I have yet to meet one.

Tattling
This is something I expect of my 8 year old campers. When it is completely rational to come to an adult when they don't know how to fix a situation. I'm assuming the majority of people reading this are adults. So why are some of the people I know running around saying things like "did you see what Jen wrote on Facebook?". Who cares!! Don't feel the need to share what I say on Facebook. I know I'm really funny and witty and post cute pictures, but if that person isn't my friend then it obviously is not meant for them. And as karma works its way around, I will find out who you are. And you will be withheld from seeing any other hilarious status updates I share. Just stop it and save us all the frustration of that.

Over sharing your child's life
I don't care that you bought Tommy a training potty in his favorite color. I don't care that Sandy watched Blues Clues for 2 hours and then took a nap. It does not matter to me that Billy got new shoes and then peed his pants. Just like I didn't feel the need to share my pictures of my kidney stone ultra sound, some things are just better left to ourselves. I'm assuming some milestones are really exciting and we don't have family members there to witness it, but a daily update on your child's eating habits is really annoying. If you love writing about yourself and your life then maybe you should start a blog!

Posting a ton of pictures at once
This is fine on Facebook, because they're all clumped together and I don't have to look at them unless I want to. I can just scroll past them and see them later on. I do not understand why people post 10+ pictures on instagram at once. Your valencia filter doesn't make you look any different than your mayfair filter you used on the last picture you posted. And I have no choice but to look at every single one as I go through my timeline. Yes, I could easily unfollow these types of people. But I don't want to! They're obviously friends and want to see how you're doing. Just with a few pictures at a time.

The obsession with NYC
Every person needs to see and experience the feeling of walking to a party in Manhattan at night. But I really don't see what the big apple has to offer that Los Angeles doesn't. Rush hour, all kinds of public transportation, over crowding, tacky tourist traps, unique food only available in our regions. We both have it. Don't get me wrong, I love New York City and am excited to be back in June. I can honestly say the only real difference is during the summers in LA I don't smell steaming garbage on the streets. And don't even get me started on LA winters. I would take an earthquake over a hurricane any day.

I will admit that New York has better sports teams. Clearly we are nothing without Kobe.

Onions
Why are these even a real thing? They are vile and gross and I do not like them at all!! I have been conditioned to respond this way (thanks mom!) but they are honestly the one thing I will never ever eat. I can pick tomatoes and olives off my food, I can't deal with onions. I apologize in advance for giving you the stank face if I'm in your presence while you consume them. But I will never understand why you do it.

The drinking age in America
Now I'm not here to promote 16 year olds drinking and making stupid choices. But being in Europe and to be able to have a beer with my dad and it not be a huge deal was so refreshing. But America does not like change. So we will continue to measure things in feet and miles and have one of the highest drinking ages in the world. I just personally believe if I'm able to vote for who my president will be, or go to war, then I should be able to take a few shots with my friends on a Saturday night!

There are so many questions I have unanswered. Maybe that's what gets me in trouble, always questioning things. Maybe one day I'll find the answers to settle these crazy thoughts of mine. But until then, I will be full of future blog material for those days when I just don't understand why...

Much love,
Jen

I'd rather run away

Today I feel like running away. 

I want to sit in an uncomfortable airplane seat for 11 hours contemplating if this was the dumbest thing I've ever done. 

I want to get off the plane and have no idea what the hell I'm doing. The most terrifying and exciting feeling. 

The gratification of getting another stamp in my passport. Like collecting a rare item. 

I want to sit in a pub surrounded by strangers. But only for a little. Because those strangers become friends so quickly. Exchanging stories and drinks and that light bulb that goes off in your head where you think "oh so this is what those poetic travelers talk about in their blog". 

The horrific yet satisfying feeling of being jet lagged due to being able to time travel. 

Waking up and for .5 seconds being really confused to why the people on the tv are speaking a foreign language. I miss that. 

I want to feel the adrenaline in my veins when I am extremely concerned that I have gotten lost in a foreign country. And I want to feel the satisfaction of figuring it out on my own. 

I want to take fabulous Instagram pictures and think "lol isn't it lovely that I got here on my own?"

I want to spend way too much on clothing and alcohol. 

I want to enjoy the freedom of being unreachable. And the wonderful gift of free wifi when it comes around. 

But today I sit in my room. Deciding if I should start my homework now or tomorrow. Wondering if I need to put gas in my car. Debating what I should wear on my date on Saturday. 

When in all honesty I'd rather just run away. 

8 things we all need to stop doing immediately

Nobody is perfect. We all have posted something online we regret or have made a comment about someone that wasn't very nice. But when did we suddenly have all these made up rules to follow? I've come up with a list of 8 things our generation needs to stop doing right now.

1. The rules for talking to a guy
These rules are going out the window right now. Just last week a friend of mine told me that I "look thirsty when I message a guy first". Um what? So I'm just supposed to sit around waiting to see if he would like to talk to me? No. I don't like that at all. If I want to talk to you then I'm sure as hell going to do it. And if you don't want to respond then that's totally fine and I won't bother you again with my friendship. But at least I can say I tried. I create my own rules when it comes to talking to people and you should too.

2. Judging drink orders
Stop laughing at what I like to drink. I don't care if you think Smirnoff ice isn't a real drink. It is delicious!! I will sit at the bar and order a cider without your sense of judgement. Congratulations that you like beer that tastes like mud. I think it's gross but I won't say anything about it while you make comments about my "piss water". I don't tell you what to order at Starbucks so don't tell me what to drink at a party.

3. What I should be wearing
I once dated a guy who told me my shorts were too short. He actually told me I needed to change my clothes. Now I would understand his judgement if we were having dinner with his parents or going somewhere fancy (the fanciest we got was olive garden...) but we we're going to somewhere silly like the science center. I like to consider myself a classy person! My shirts are never too low cut and my butt cheeks are never hanging out. My mom raised me right. I wear clothes that I like! I have been blessed with the metabolism of a 12 year old boy and I am proud of my body. I'll wear what I want, okay?

4. Dieting
I don't care about your diet. I don't care that you're at 24 hour fitness. I don't care about your new juicing recipe. Just like I'm sure you don't care that I love to eat hot cheetos and wash it down with a diet coke. Stop feeling the need to prove to everyone that you're dieting and working out nonstop. If you are changing your lifestyle for YOURSELF then that is amazing and I am happy to see your results! But stop doing it for the wrong reasons. And stop rolling your eyes at me when I ask for extra sauce at in-n-out...

5. Selfies
"Oh my god all she does is post selfies" is such a stupid thing my generation complains about. So what if Sally posts pictures of herself? I post selfies on my Instagram because that morning I was just really feeling great about myself. I don't post them for likes or to receive compliments. I do it because I look at my phone and think "wow I look very nice today' and that makes me feel good! So girls out there, you post as many selfies as you like! And if someone doesn't like it then the unfollow button is really easy to find.

6. Makeup
It's shocking to me how many comments about girls wearing make up I find men posting on Facebook. We are either fake because we wear too much, or some of my male "friends" have commented on how ugly girls can look underneath the make up. Because of this girls are posting pictures with captions screaming "look at me I'm brave enough to not wear make up online!!!!". I have pictures on my Instagram without make up on, but you all probably don't know that because it really isn't that big of a deal. I wear make up because I like to. I like how when I spend some time on it I can sort of almost look my age. So if you like wearing a ton of make up then go for it!!! And if you don't even want to consider the idea of putting a sharp object near your eye then I think that's awesome too. Do what you're comfortable with!

7. Online displays of affection (or rejection)
Stop making your relationships and break ups public. I am guilty of this by all means. Being Facebook official and changing our Instagram bios really shouldn't mean as much as they do. The rest of the world doesn't care that Jimmy bought you flowers and took you fishing. And when things get bad we feel the need to let the whole world know how awful the other person is. News flash: 99% of your Facebook friends don't care and are rolling their eyes at you. We understand you're so happy in love or extremely hurt and upset, but we have our own issues to deal with.

8. College and career decisions
There is nothing wrong with going to a community college. There is nothing wrong with living at home. Life doesn't work out the way we want it to. Just because some of us don't get finical aid or have parents who make enough to pay for an ivy league school doesn't mean we are any less intelligent than you. Stop judging your peers choices in education or careers. I could be taking summer school classes or getting an internship in June. But I will be standing on a kayak doing the hokey pokey with a group of 8 year olds and it will be amazing! That doesn't make me any less dedicated than you. It's a different kind of dedication and commitment that will give me a different kind of advantage that a classroom can't give me.

This is just a short list of things we're all terrible at. I'm making a promise to myself right now to the entire internet to not do any of these things/let the judgement of them get to me. We need to take a better look at how these things are hurting the people around us and try to be better human beings when it comes to our friends.

Will you try harder too?

Much love,
Jen

20 things I would tell my 10 year old self

The big 20th birthday is a month away. I can honestly say I have never been so happy to be done with an age. 19 has not been great. How cliche of me. I recently found a post by my favorite author Chelsea Fagan where she wrote a letter to her 10 year old self. Obviously something that has been done before. But what better way to start my 20's than by sharing some knowledge with little Jen?

1. Your boobs won't grow. Sorry. You will be thankful for this when you realize you've stopped growing at 5 feet tall. Boys will look you in the eyes, not at your chest. You want someone who likes you for you, not what your body looks like. The boys who compared you to a piece of plywood will get there's in the end, I promise.

2. You'll get the phone you want, the laptop you want, and myspace won't be cool in high school. All of these things will eventually control your life. So please just enjoy playing on the slip in slide in the front yard for as long as you can. Eventually people will tell you that you're too old to do that and your eyes will hurt from staring at your computer screen all day long. So stop asking for a cell phone and just go outside and play, okay?

3. You're going to go to summer camp when you're 13. And it will change your life forever. Then you'll be a camp counselor and that will change your life again. For the better, I promise!

4. Say no to British boys. Always. No matter what!!! Trust me on this. The accent will pull you in and you'll think that England isn't THAT far. Pay attention in social studies because it is!

5. You will go to Hawaii, Paris, and New York City before you turn 20. Cool, huh? You will learn amazing things every time you go somewhere new. Never ever pass up the opportunity to travel. 

6. You will have a teacher in high school who will threaten you by saying she will have "academic dishonesty" written on your permanent record and you "will never ever go to college". She's full of shit (yes you will cuss when your older, it's a bad habit we're working on). But please try your hardest in school. It may seem cool at the time to goof off in class and get bad grades but you're really only making it harder on yourself. You have the potential to go anywhere in the world! Don't let those teachers be right!

7. Those friends who you were goofing off with? 8 out of 10 of them will end up pregnant, unemployed, and/or bored to tears in this stupid town. Don't let them hold you down.

8. Lets talk a little bit more about boys. Every boyfriend will feel like "the one". Down the road you will be oh so thankful you were wrong. The break ups will feel like the end of the world and you will wonder how you will ever move on. You will! College will let you meet so many cool people, and a lot of cute boys. You won't have a high school sweetheart but that's totally okay!! When you're at a bar in Amsterdam getting kissed on the cheek by your new friends you will be glad there's no ring on your finger.

9. Choosing a boy over your friends is really stupid. You will try to convince yourself that it's okay because "friends are temporary and he could really be the one". He won't be and you're really going to hurt your friends feelings. Why would you want to be with someone who would not only do that to you, but your best friend? Walk away asap!

10. You will regret not going to prom, no matter how hard you pretend it doesn't bother you.

11. Be nice to your stepdad. He really is a nice guy. He would do anything for you if you asked him to.

12. You're going to try and hide things about yourself to fit in. You won't want to admit your Jewish. Your friends will say how much they hate reading and you'll try to shove your eReader to the bottom of your bag. You will try not to talk about where you got your clothes or what your doing over the school breaks. Eventually you will realize that you are surrounded by people who will love you despite your flaws and will continue to be your best friend way after high school (thank you Miss Daniel for loving me unconditionally). 

13. Every year you will tell yourself "by this time next year I'm going to figure out what I'm going to do after high school". You won't figure it out. That's okay though. It will be stressful and there will be many bumps in the road. But it's better to figure it out while you can than being 35 and working a job you hate.

14. Mom and dad are only human. You'll fight with them and think they're crazy and think they have no idea what they're doing. It's almost your 20th birthday and you still think that sometimes. They aren't perfect and are doing the best they can to handle a piece of work like you. Give them a hug and tell them you love them.

15. Bullies don't go away after high school. They will live in your dorm room and they will leave you stranded on the side of the road in New York. This is just a fact of life that unfortunately we can't do anything about. Remember that karma will always work it's way in the end. Just keep being the best person you can possibly be, it will reward you in the long run.

16. Stop saying you're going to leave California. You will make friends all over the world and you will see a lot of places. Always keep an open mind and experience these things. Because you will only appreciate coming into smoggy LAX and going in in-n-out while wearing flip flops in January that much more. Many people would love to live in this wonderful place you call home.

17. Your braces will come off. You will figure out how to use a straightener. You will have a make up collection that requires storage containers. Stop looking in the mirror and wishing you could look like your friends. You aren't them! You're Jen. You will have a smile that makes 6 years of braces worth while. It all comes with time. So enjoy your flawless skin and being able to get ready pretty fast in the morning. You'll miss that when it's 6 am and you've burnt yourself with your curling iron and you've poked yourself in the eye doing your make up. And obviously you don't grow out of your clumsiness. Sorry!

18. When you finally get to college and experience freedom, you will go crazy. You won't really go to parties in high school so college is going to be insane. GOING TO YOUR FRIDAY CLASS WHILE YOU RE STILL DRUNK IS NOT OKAY. You will think you're having the time of your life. And it is fun until mom and dad find out you've failed a few classes. Then you have to move home!!!!! Something you said you would never do. So go have fun, but try to prioritize please.

19. Be thankful your days of cheering on the football field aren't "the best years of your life". The people who say that have a really hard time with the 3/4 of their life left. You can be a writer in New York City. You can teach English to kids in a foreign country. You can do whatever you want if you believe me when I say there will be great things to come your way after high school. Don't get caught up in thinking being 16 is the best thing ever!

20. You will be almost 20 years old and still act like a big kid. You will stop in the middle of a conversation and say "puppy!!!" and proceed to point to the dog across the street. You will still listen to boy bands and prefer to wear something if it's pink. You will still struggle to do laundry and you won't even try to work the dish washer. Every outfit will always be better if you have a bow in your hair. What I'm trying to say is that even though at 10 years old all you want to do is grow up, you will do everything in your power to avoid it eventually.

Happy almost birthday to me.

Much love,
Jen