Putting the broken pieces together, but it's okay.

Today I had a moment of clarity. I looked in the mirror as I was trying on my outfit for the 4th of July at camp this year (any counselor knows how vital this is) and I knew I was going to be okay.

I'll be okay when my birthday comes next week and I'm sad because it'll be spent at home all by myself.

I'll be okay being away from home again for 2 months this summer.

I'll be okay when people talk about me.

I'll be okay when I have to say goodbye to my new friends, when it will be the last time I ever see most of them.

I'll be okay when I'm stuck living at home for another semester with barely any friends.

I'm going to be okay.

I have been through some serious bullshit since last August. A car accident, a kidney stone, having my self esteem ripped to absolute pieces, working a job I hated, watching my dreams go down the drain. This has been the hardest year of my life. But here I am.

It took a long time for me to realize that I didn't do anything to deserve the cards I've been handed. I still wonder where my camera crew is sometimes because there's no way this hasn't been manipulated by some producers from Mtv. But oh no, this is real life.

There was one person who used to do nothing but point out my flaws. I've mentioned some things that have been said before, like telling me my shorts are too short and laughing at me and wishing me luck when I was going to Europe. I spent quite a bit of time wishing that this person would come back when it was all just poisonous for me.

Like I wasn't aware of my flaws? Not like every morning my mirror reminds me I have the proportions of a middle schooler and short stumpy legs. I know I'm sensitive and cry easily. This is something I deal with on a daily basis. Don't remind me that I'm spoiled, because you don't know what I've gone through to get the things I have. I'm loud, and I'm obnoxious. But who would notice this midget if I was just another wall flower? I'm indecisive and I may not figure out what to do with my life until I'm 45. But that is just who I am.

Maybe this person couldn't realize that I'm smart. I could get an A in any class if I really tried. I love to read and I love to write and maybe that's what I'll do when I'm a grown up. I may be sensitive, but just about anything can make me smile. You can call me spoiled, but I will never say no when someone needs anything from me. My loud mouth makes me who I am. I'm friendly and I have no problem speaking my mind in front of a crowd of people.

I'm awkward and I make mistakes. I am not perfect by any means and I will never pretend that I am. But shouldn't I have people in my life who like me despite my flaws? Who don't mind that I'm still working on putting the broken pieces together?

If anyone is reading this that knows what it's like to care about someone who does nothing but rip you apart, I hope you find that you aren't alone. There will be people out there who roll their eyes at you as you try to find a way to cope. Your mind and heart stay conflicted for a while. Some days are great, others you have a hard time getting out of bed. You aren't alone in the struggle.

One day you'll wake up and the light bulb will go off in your head and you'll realize that you deserve way more than whatever your person is giving to you. You will become stronger and they won't like it. But they didn't like anything about you in the first place right? I can't tell you when this day will come. Maybe you'll be like me and be dancing around in your room, planning outfits for summer camp, you'll see yourself in the mirror and remember that you'll be okay.

I'm going to be okay.

Much love,
Jen